Saturday, 17 May 2008

Well the cheek of it!

You know, there I was taking a wee stroll through the Best of Blogs awards web site – did I mention I’ve been nominated for funniest blog? Probably not, given how shy and retiring I am................................

VOTE FOR ME, VOTE FOR ME”.

..................................“Feck off Hortense. I’m trying to say something here will you just bog off and leave me to it?”

VOTE FOR ME, VOTE FOR ME”.

“Oh dear god Hortense – away and stick yer heed in a mincer, I’m trying to communicate with the three people that read my blog. Now just piddle off somewhere and sharpen that knife you like to stick into people’s backs or summat” ..........................

............................Thank God, silence at last. Any flippin political opportunity and that Hortense comes out placards waving, doing door to door canvassing and such like. Crikey, if I don’t keep her at bay she’ll be popping up photo’s onto the blog of me slobbering over snotty nosed babies with poop filled, damp and minging nappies, (that’s diapers to our American cousins), just to gain any kind of advantage over my competitors – so just feck off Hortense and stay away, I’m busy.

Sorry for the interruption and now that Hortense has backed off into her dark place to continue claiming all sorts of expenses such as a second telly and new rugs allowances for her second home near Westminster, along with sorting out that salary of 32k per annum for her nepotistic son who does ‘research’ for her but is in fact at a university up north and couldn’t find his way to Westminster without a chauffeur driven car, I can carry on with my original missive. There I was marvelling over the fact that I got into the top ten at all when I thought, I’ll pop along and have a wee look at the comments. Well blow-me-down, there were two lovely comments from the divinely talented Carolyn and the wonderfully entertaining and gifted Debs Lehner who had taken time out to leave very nice, warm and fuzzy kind of comments. Shored up by such terribly nice words I carried on reading down the list of comments in the hope that I might, just might, come across perhaps another heart-warming string of words that related to me – head swelling by the moment and feeling kinda smug- like I came across someone called Simondo, and a little missive he had penned and feck me, here’s part of what he had to say:

“However, to all of you bloggers listed here – you should get out more!”

Well bugger me, the flippin cheek of him/her/it! I wasn’t about to take that lying down or even on the chin without letting the great Simondo know a thing or two so here’s what I said:

“Simondo, I do get out, a lot, very often in fact for every weekend I am allowed home as part of my care in the community scheme. But it’s the getting me back in that’s the problem – I’ve been known to dole out the old ‘Glasgow Kiss or a Dandruff Salad’ headbutt when being cuffed and dragged back into Broadmoor where I spend my weekdays. So there, I probably get out more than you do! Hah!

“Did you tell him you know where he lives? That if he wants a face to face I can come round and ‘canvass’ him?”

“No I didn’t Hortense, now will you just bugger off and carry on defrauding the electorate while I try and get my readership up to four at least?” Crikey, a sniff of a vote somewhere and I can’t get rid of her... Just wait till I tell the warders on Monday what she’s been up to – she won’t be allowed out with me next weekend! Hah!

Do you think Simondo might want a new friend to take out at the weekends?...............

37 comments:

softinthehead said...

LOL - classic MOB - great stuff. I would be quaking if I was in Simondo's shoes! I'm just off to vote again.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Blimey Softie - you were quick off the mark again! Poor old Simondo - he/she/it may never leave another comment, ever! Thanks for the vote again, you are too kind.

Kitt said...

Maybe "get out" is a euphemism for something else?

You've got my vote, Hortense.

The Lehners in France said...

Wey to go MOB, I'm doing the same for you as I am for aims and using other compooters to get the extra votes in. Debs x

aims said...

Goodness MOB! You are harassed aren't you?! What a life!

We need to round up more votes for you so you can tromp the comp!

Perhaps I should be hogging some other computers as Debs is doing...hmmmm.....

Still waiting for my 24 hours to be up so I can up your count!

Go girl! Go Girl! Go Girl!

ciara said...

lmao mob that was a good laugh for the morn. let me go vote again to teach that simondo a lesson lol

Some random stranger said...

I know who Simondo is. Infact, he bought me a beer just a couple of weeks ago. I also know where he works, as I used to work there. He is a nice guy, he just doesnt understand our need to write random rubbish for people to read. Well, I write random rubbish, and he reads it anyway...

Now. What is all this not allowing anonymous comments thing MOB?? I dont even know if my google account even goes to my site. So if it doesnt, I am Sy from wheelturninghamsterdead. Hello!

david mcmahon said...

Congratulations on the nomination. I ca,e here from the wonderful Crystal Jigsaw.

GoneBackSouth said...

I voted for you! I voted for you!

Carolyn said...

Holy Crap. I am laughing my ass off here. You are seriously nuts, but I love it. And thanks for the mention. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have no idea what you see in me, but thanks ever-so-much.

I've voted every day for you so poo on Simondo. I'm a shut in too. Deal with it. Now let's go kick some tail!!

Carolyn said...

ps - Thanks for your wonderful comment about my Beauty Hunt post. It really made my day to know that I brightened yours.

Carolyn said...

Oh wait. One more thing. I should really pop on by and spread some love to the lehners in france. If Debs is using extra computers to boost the votes I want in on that action! Cheers, eh.

Tina said...

Boy, that Simondo is going to be sorry he messed with us.

I'm going to Tantrum his ass...

The Lehners in France said...

Stuck with one compooter today, waiting for my 24hrs to be up.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Kitt thanks for voting for Hortense. I'm sure she'll be thrilled! Next time the mad woman pays a visit I'll let her know!

Debs - crikey I didn't know you could multi vote like that - ta hen!

AIMS bless you me duck! Think I'll break into an internet cafe and multi vote from there for you
guys!

Ciara - thanks for the vote me old china! That poor Simondo, he didn't really mean any harm. I think it was more tongue in cheek!

Some Random Stranger - hello and welcome! I think you probably know Simondo better than anyone, right?! Is he perhaps a bit of an alter ego like old Hortense?

I paid a visit to your blog but it wouldn't accept my comment - the page expired when I posted. You are quite a larf old boy and I'll pop by again. Good to see you are in IT as that is my background. Us IT types are pretty quick off the mark humour wise. You tell the Simondo, AKA The Great Stupendo around here!), that Hortense is looking for a date with him. Tell him not to worry, the stalking charge was dropped after she admitted to some other charges! She's fine now, really...

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

David - thanks for dropping by. I am of course thrilled to have made into the top 10 but will probably come last at this rate!

Gonebacksouth - oh bless and thank you!

Carolyn - I think Hortense intends to lure Simondo into her lair. He'll be sorry for sure! Yes defo pop by the Lehners for she writes and excellent blog. Have you two not met yet? You will enjoy each other.

Tina - what with Hortense after his blood and you tormenting his ass, he'll probably leave the country! He's probably signing up for the witness protection programme as we speak!

Debs - oh no, not one compooter! Bugger me, I'll never win at this rate! Thaks sweetie, I am having such great fun with this lark.

Some random stranger said...

Sadly Simondo is a real person, and not an alterego. Although, we could set him up on a date with the nutter. Did I say nutter? I mean quite awesomely wonderful sounding Hortense! He was ery tongue in cheek though with his comment!

Yeah my site, like its owner, had some "issues". I think they are fixed now.

Yup, us IT peeps are waaaay too advanced in the humour department. That is why the next time someone I know flies out of an Airport in the south, I am gonna go play with a big database which has the "tick for for rubber glove action" box. Marvellous!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Okay Random Stranger - yup I know poor old Simondo was being tongue in cheek with his comment and bless the poor wee fart for he has now got a price on his head as Hortense is getting a midweek pass to come and see him!

Tell him not to worry, I'll keep her well locked up until she finds a new subject to stalk.

Mind you if he wants a date - tell him to have a look at the picture of her on my sidebar - quite a looker isn't she?

Eileen said...

Congratulations on the well deserved nomination!! I'm voting for you, as much as they will let me.
XOXOX

Some random stranger said...

An incredibly fetching image! She has small feet right? No? Didnt think so...
I think he would be happy to be stalked. It has been a while for him since he had to worry about turning every corner. And his rabbit collection has been rebuilt now too.

WT said...

Hmmmmm.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Eileen - thank you so much for your vote. You are a lady of taste!

SRS - She has size 11 feet which makes it a complete bugger getting stiletto's for her. Still she has a bright pink pair of sparkly 'feck me pumps' as she likes to call them that she arm wrestled off Lilly Savage when she went on a pub crawl with her two years ago.

She's quite an old tart really and anything with a pulse will usually do for her so Simondo is defo in with a chance here.

Just a 'heads up' here, she doesn't like her men hairy so he might want to consider having a back, sack and crack job done in anticipation of them exchanging bodily fluids. For Christs sake though, tell him not to look shocked at the hairy wart on her chin or the tattoo of Charles Manson on her left arse cheek - she's very proud of both.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

WT - I am indeed honoured by your visit and the extensive comment you left! Hope the gorgeous Belle is improving by the day and your days are lighter and less stressful.

Dumdad said...

You got my vote already!

Milla said...

have voted for you!

Some random stranger said...

Noo...you can easily get size 11 stiletto's. You just go to...oh...erm...yeah, size 11 eh? That must be a nightmare. Yeah. hmmm.

A BC&W? Well, in for a penny, in for a raging amount of pain! I assume that it wont affect his piles during the crack wax right? Because the scratching really works for him. It is something that kills the slow hours of the day having an awfully good scratch.

I should probably mention that he has a tattoo of Ted Bundy on his right arse cheek. This wont cause any problems will it? It is just a fan thing...he never takes it any further.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dumdad - thank you so much for the vote, I am very grateful.

Milla, you too m'dear. Thank you so much.

SRS - My we should start a dating agency what with our abilities to match make. No probs re the Ted Bundy tattoo, it will go nicely with the Jeffrey Dahmer one she has of his face on her right tit. It's quite an amazing feature what with her nipple incorporating his left eye and the hair on the top of the nipple doubles up beautifully as a real life eyebrow. How's that for originality?

You should seed the little love really, all girlie and quite excited about meeting the great Simondo. She's only bitten one warder today - extraordinary - she's clearly in a terrific mood. I believe she's even planning on having a bath for the occasion. Why, just this morning I saw her swapping a pack of cigars for a bottle of Brut cologne just so she will smell all lovely for him.

Hope he likes black leather...........Must go, Hortie seems to be testing out her whip on the Pat Butcher lookalike in the next cell and she’s causing the most awful fuss about it all.....

Some random stranger said...

You may have a good point. They seem perfect for each other! And both like tattoo's! Simondo just recently got a tattoo of Charlie "Big Nose" Lagaipa on his naval. I am thinking he might just think that he has illusions of grandeur. I dont know...I am not gonna go looking to find out.

He has bought her some Argos own brand perfume. His favourite. Will she be OK wearing that in the nether regions and brut elsewhere? It just really works for him.

She is OK with licking glass eyes, right?

The Lehners in France said...

Voted!

Suzy said...

I voted for you!

Love,
Suzy

Suzy said...

I voted for you!

Love,
Suzy

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Suzy - thank you thank you, I said it twice because blogger posted your comment twice!

Debs - oh thank you, you are such a great bloggy pal!

The Lehners in France said...

I bet you thought I was a worm who'd turned! Not me. Debs x

The Lehners in France said...

MOB, voted again! fatigued and listless! You'd better win this flippin competition coz it's taking up a lot of my time and energy! I request a wage, tax free and expenses. Some random stranger is after me!!!!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs thank you so much fot woting again - you are a bezzie blog mate! Liverpuddlians are just the best!

Some random stranger said...

I was after no such thing Debs! Well, not to start with...I will try with time haha. And I didnt even delete the comment mentioning the competition on my site! ;o) Actually, for 12 seconds I will be serious... The one thing that this competition has done is help me find 2 very good reads! I will still vote for myself naturally...but still very much enjoying this and Debs site.

And between us, one of us has to win. The one in second place isnt a Brit. The title has to come to Blighty.

The Lehners in France said...

Hey MOB, I read your comment about reading, not commenting. I came across someone who had commented on one of my pals, I've been polite, visited, commented etc. I'm on her blogroll, but she's never been to me and left a comment. I've offered to blogroll her. Still nothing. There's nowt so wierd as folk! Won't be going back there! Debs x