You know, there I was taking a wee stroll through the Best of Blogs awards web site – did I mention I’ve been nominated for funniest blog? Probably not, given how shy and retiring I am................................
“VOTE FOR ME, VOTE FOR ME”.
..................................“Feck off Hortense. I’m trying to say something here will you just bog off and leave me to it?”
“VOTE FOR ME, VOTE FOR ME”.
“Oh dear god Hortense – away and stick yer heed in a mincer, I’m trying to communicate with the three people that read my blog. Now just piddle off somewhere and sharpen that knife you like to stick into people’s backs or summat” ..........................
............................Thank God, silence at last. Any flippin political opportunity and that Hortense comes out placards waving, doing door to door canvassing and such like. Crikey, if I don’t keep her at bay she’ll be popping up photo’s onto the blog of me slobbering over snotty nosed babies with poop filled, damp and minging nappies, (that’s diapers to our American cousins), just to gain any kind of advantage over my competitors – so just feck off Hortense and stay away, I’m busy.
Sorry for the interruption and now that Hortense has backed off into her dark place to continue claiming all sorts of expenses such as a second telly and new rugs allowances for her second home near Westminster, along with sorting out that salary of 32k per annum for her nepotistic son who does ‘research’ for her but is in fact at a university up north and couldn’t find his way to Westminster without a chauffeur driven car, I can carry on with my original missive. There I was marvelling over the fact that I got into the top ten at all when I thought, I’ll pop along and have a wee look at the comments. Well blow-me-down, there were two lovely comments from the divinely talented Carolyn and the wonderfully entertaining and gifted Debs Lehner who had taken time out to leave very nice, warm and fuzzy kind of comments. Shored up by such terribly nice words I carried on reading down the list of comments in the hope that I might, just might, come across perhaps another heart-warming string of words that related to me – head swelling by the moment and feeling kinda smug- like I came across someone called Simondo, and a little missive he had penned and feck me, here’s part of what he had to say:
“However, to all of you bloggers listed here – you should get out more!”
Well bugger me, the flippin cheek of him/her/it! I wasn’t about to take that lying down or even on the chin without letting the great Simondo know a thing or two so here’s what I said:
“Simondo, I do get out, a lot, very often in fact for every weekend I am allowed home as part of my care in the community scheme. But it’s the getting me back in that’s the problem – I’ve been known to dole out the old ‘Glasgow Kiss or a Dandruff Salad’ headbutt when being cuffed and dragged back into Broadmoor where I spend my weekdays. So there, I probably get out more than you do! Hah!
“Did you tell him you know where he lives? That if he wants a face to face I can come round and ‘canvass’ him?”
“No I didn’t Hortense, now will you just bugger off and carry on defrauding the electorate while I try and get my readership up to four at least?” Crikey, a sniff of a vote somewhere and I can’t get rid of her... Just wait till I tell the warders on Monday what she’s been up to – she won’t be allowed out with me next weekend! Hah!
Do you think Simondo might want a new friend to take out at the weekends?...............