Saturday, 24 May 2008

The perfect date....is definitely this one - Hortense's account of the date

Want to read how it all started?

If she’d had a mirror, Hortense would have been delighted at the result her hours of pampering and preening had achieved. Mirrors were a lethal weapon where she came from so she had to make do with checking out her appearance in the shop window on the way to her date. The new pink hair colour clashed a little with her rheumy bloodshot eyes but no matter, the inch thick rim of black Alice Cooper style eyeliner she’d applied detracted from it a little. “You look gorgeous, it’ll be lurrrrrvvve at first sight, just you wait and see”, her fellow inmate and friend MOB assured her before waving her off through the secret tunnel they had dug together from their high security cell.

The bright lime coloured coat she was wearing went a treat with the plaid yellow skirt she and Mob had fashioned out of prison sacks that they had purloined and dyed especially for the date. The pointy black leather Madonna like bra, size 54dddd, was holding up just fine and she chuckled at the nipple tassels as they swung from side to side. “Touch of class that”, she thought, as she sashayed her way down the street. She tended to favour walking with one leg on the road and her other much shorter one on the pavement. That way she could minimise the excessive limp that made her quite self conscious. It was hard getting decent shoes when your feet were a size 11 but she was delighted with the sparkly pink ‘feck me pumps’ that she was now wearing; the ones she had arm wrestled off Lilly Savage on a pub crawl some years ago.

She was both excited and nervous and she stopped to take a sniff of her armpits to make sure all was well. She smelled good; thank God for only this morning she’d been able to trade her last packet of extra large sized Cuban cigars for a bottle of Brut after shave. She hoped Simondo would like it; she’d dabbed it all over just in case she got lucky and they decided to exchange bodily fluids. She wasn’t a cheap girl, but these days getting a sniff of any kind of male bodily contact was a rarity so any action kicking off and she’d be in there big time.


Noticing the time on the town hall clock, she saw she was running late and put a spurt on – she was always amazed at how the road cleared before her when she lurched ahead at speed. At 6’4” she was used to people throwing themselves in the path of traffic when they saw her hurtling towards them. “Perhaps it hadn’t been a good idea to take the extra time to sew the tassels to the leather bra that Mob had made from the leather restraints that she had chewed through earlier this morning”, she worried, whilst praying that Simondo would wait for her.

Walking into the ‘Best Kebab place in town’ Hortense stopped to scan the room to find her paramour. In an instant their eyes met and she almost recognised him from the picture he had sent to her but dear God, where there had been hair before now looked like some comb-over crop-circle kind of hairdo happening. “Jesus Christ”, she thought, “that photo he sent was definitely a sepia coloured archive, he’d clearly tried to knock ten years off himself, by the look of things”. Simondo beamed an almost toothless smile and waved at Hortense before standing up to greet her. “Oh for feck sake, he’s a fecking midget that must weigh all of 8 stone with teeth like a bloody bar-chart. Just wait till I get my hands on that git Sy”, she promised herself; “tall dark and handsome, my arse”. Wide eyed with shock, she wanted to bolt but it was too late and you don’t get far wearing “feck me pumps” with one leg shorter than the other. “Oh well it’s a night out”, she reasoned,” may as well be nice to the wee geezer. At least he turned up but I needn’t have worn my lucky leather thong after all", she sighed philosophically.

Simondo walked forward to ‘air kiss’ Hortense but at 5’4” with lifts in his shoes, he had to stretch mightily high just to reach her neck. She bent down to engulf him in a huge bear hug. “Aw shite”, he cried as something landed and rolled along the floor. Hortense drew back for she realised her pointy bra had poked Simondo right in the eye. “But what eye?”, she asked herself, as she stared into a blank socket where his eye had been only seconds before. In an instant Simondo dropped to the floor to retrieve his glass eye; a task made more onerous due to the missing thumb and index finger on his right hand.

Dropping his guts in a rip roarer of the loudest fart ever heard, Simondo stopped his search for his eye to use his good hand to waft away the overpowering pong that was filling the immediate area. “Sorry”, he said, turning his head around and grinning toothlessly at her. Hortense retched violently and made to sit down lest she fainted. “For the love of God, Simondo, you must be a bloody vegetarian because nothing smells worse than a vegetarian’s fart and that’s the worst vegetarian’s fart I’ve ever chewed on”, she said, as she sat licking what tasted like raw sewage from her teeth. "Err, yeah sorry, that'll be the cabbage soup that I had at lunch time", replied Simondo, who was busy busting a gut laughing at her reaction as he resumed his search for his glass eye.

After knocking back a double scotch to disinfect her mouth and recovering her equilibrium somewhat, Hortense relaxed and watched Simondo grapple for his eye. It hadn’t helped that the hoodie sitting at the next table surreptitiously kicked the eye just out of reach of Simondo’s good hand at which point he winked at Hortense for he was enjoying the show. Hortense winked back in thanks for whilst Simondo was on all fours, she was admiring the generous builders bum cleavage he was showing. She almost shrieked with joy for she could clearly see a tattoo of Ted Bundy on his right arse cheek. “Oh, could this man be any more perfect for me?”, she asked herself, as her heart soared to new heights and she forgave his other short comings. Perhaps he wasn’t last prize in the 2008 ugly contest after all. Finding his eye, Simondo gave it a quick lick and popped it back in his socket and stood up. Feeling that the fart had broken the ice he was less self conscious about his eye popping out. He unconsciously scratched his nuts and feeling at one with himself sat down at the table to schmooze this lovely lady he was so lucky to be having dinner with.

In Hortense’s view, the evening was a success. How he made her laugh with his stories about farting on the girls in the office; “his favourite trick”, he told her, "was pumping out a silent but violent fart only to walk away unseen then watch as several screeching girls got stuck in the doorway together trying to evacuate the area at speed". Man, they roared their heads off in laughter at that one. Slowly but surely, Hortense was falling for him and whilst the alcohol took its toll and the beer goggles did their work, she saw a knight in shining armour sit before her. She even found it endearing that he had a permanent nasal drip and a snarly that hung from one nostril like a drop pearl earring only to slip back up into his nostril when he breathed in, then drop back down again as he breathed out..

Sighing deeply and with regret, Hortense knew that she had to leave for a change of shift soon meant alert warders and more chance of being caught breaking back into the secure unit. She didn’t want to risk losing her privileges and she was so looking forward to receiving her new pair of incontinence pants that the governor had promised her for good behaviour.

Saying goodbye outside the restaurant, she was careful not to poke Simondo in the eye again as they hugged – he’d no chance of finding that bloody eye out here amongst the piles of litter that so defined the sink estate they were next to. Simondo pleaded with her not to go but it was useless and they both knew it. “Next time my pretty", she reassured him. To placate him and remind him of what he would be missing she wrapped herself round the nearest lamppost where she performed her own specially choreographed rendition of ‘don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me’, just for him. Clinging to her leg like a dog in heat, Hortense wrenched him off and turned to leave. As she lurched along the road, she knew she had met ‘The One’ and her heart broke as every step took her further and further away from him. She knew he wasn’t bright, God knows his father must have left half of him down his leg, given the extent of his arrested development; she knew he had some special challenges to overcome in his life, “but with her love and help, they would make it together", she resolved.

“Perhaps Simindo's roomate Sy had been right all along”, she thought smiling, wondering what kind of gift he would like by way of a thanks.......


*****"Vote for MOB, Vote for MOB", Hortense called out to Simondo as she entered the tunnel that took her back inside...

*****To get Simodo's account of the date visit the hilarious Wheel turning, hamster dead blog********

*****To visit our excellent best of blogs funniest blog award campaign manager, visit the fabulously witty Debs of The Lehners in France. You won't be sorry***** .

42 comments:

softinthehead said...

Definitely LOL - fabulous stuff - I am going to vote AGAIN!!! Loved it.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Thanks softie - it's been a riot writing this stuff with Sy. Never had a better time blogging.

The Lehners in France said...

MOB Brilliant, I like the pink feck me pumps, I say white shag me shoes how funny. The bit about half of Simondo being left dripping down his father's leg is classic! Well done, now I need to do a trilogy poem! Debs x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs - ta hen.. Can't wait for the poem. Crikey, you must have been a tour de force in the marketing world!

The Lehners in France said...

Poem done Debs x

The Lehners in France said...

MOB it's true, a short guy with a patch over his eye. I nearly LOL. I thought Sy had given him his passport back! Debs x

Some random stranger said...

Damn. You raised the bar something serious! That was hilarious MOB! I will knock together the response as soon as I think I can think of something worthy of this...which could be a while with this standard of story!

ciara said...

LMAO you're too funny...i just checked out sy's version as well. can't wait to see how this all plays out :)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs - life imitating art? If you can call this art! Your peom is superb yet again!

Sy, well matie you raised the bar so high I couldn't not try to reach your standard. Do I see a comedy writing partership forming online?! I am really thrilled at yourt comment beause you know what I think of our comedy and writing skills. I am humbled.


Ciara - thanks again for such positive support and watch this or sy's space to see what happens!

Maggie May said...

This is really funny! Just been reading through some back numbers! I should be getting my holiday stuff ready. This is more fun!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Maggie May - thanks it's been a labour of love and great fun. I hope you got along to read Simondo's version of events on Sy's blog. It's amazing and very very funny. I was really chuffed to get your vote and read your comment - thanks a lot. Enjoy your holiday.

Sy said...

I gotta say, I am more then enjoying doing this, so it would be a shame to end the cross site posts and other writing partnerships here wouldnt it!

If it wasnt for the light quantity of guiness already consumed, I would write the reply now. Of course, this is me...more then likely I will still go and do it in 30 minutes or something!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Sy - this organic process of writing is so much fun. I'm writing a novel at the moment - I started it on this blog way back and was contacted by a published author who advised me to take it offline, write the story as a novel and submit it to a few agents. I am doing that now and I think it's a great story - biased of course - but quite a few people said the same The story started with the blog called procrastination is the thief of time. It would be too girly chick lit for blokes I think but my husband loves the story - he's biased too! The more it goes on though the darker it becomes so it may very well not be a chick lit novel n the end. If it ever gets published that is.. So although there is a good balance of humour in the novel, it is refreshing to get involved in this online comedy act. Debs is such a cracking laugh too - typcal Liverpudlian. Being a Glaswegian I get on extremely well with northern folk and love the Liverpudlian humour. I bet you have some celtic heritage with a humour like yours. My hubbie is English but with a celtic background. He has a superb sense of humour and this week has been such a laugh.

Anyway, must get back to the red wine. Enjoy you Guinness, my husband loves it and was at the guinness factory in Dublin in April. He almost didn't come back.

Eileen said...

This is so FUNNY!!! I was laughing and laughing until I cried. LOVE this.

XOXOXOX

The Lehners in France said...

MOB 24% !!!! Bebs x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Eileen, glad you liked it. It was a larf writing it.

Bebs! Woo hoo, 24%!!! Yer a star.

(Very) Lost in France said...

MOB - I found you through the luverly Debs. Just wanted to say that it's a fab blog and the current dialogue with The Wheel's Turning is priceless. I'm almost looking forward to the menopause. I say almost...... Good luck.

Sy said...

Having awoken from my slumber and preparing for the night shift tonight, I will get the next post up some point in the early hours of the morning! (UNless work is busy...which it better not be)

Tina said...

Oh MOB - this is brilliant! How about you & your co-author setting up an additional blog together to firm up on your writing partnership?

Sy said...

Now Tina. I cant go "firming up" with Mob. I am a happily married man!

The next part of this little story is now live!

GoneBackSouth said...

They sound like an absolutely gorgeous couple.

Donnetta Lee said...

Oh, mob, mob, mob. This is toooo funny. How do you do it? The perfect date, indeed!
Donnetta

auntiegwen said...

Oh I'm glad even my worst dates, don't match up to this one.

Incidentally, I am a vegetarian and I never fart. I once told The Beautiful Son that ladies never do and like most things I told him before he was 10 he believed me absolutely. How gutted was he when he found out that some girls (not vegetarians) do !!!

Tattie Weasle said...

This is absolutley barking - but a much better way to start the Bank Holiday than working - which is what I should be doing!
Completely bonkers - but I do have a sort of sympathy with Hortense....dates from hell - arghhhhh

blogthatmama said...

Voted for you! good luck, what do you win? x

the mother of this lot said...

Right. I've missed a bit here. Actually, I've missed quite a lot. I've voted, and now I'm going to get a cup of tea while I catch up.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Very Lost in France - welcome and thanks for the great feedback. Trust me you don't want the menopause!

Tina - ah you are always really complimentary - Ta hen!

Gonebacksouth - yes aren't they just the cutest?

Donetta Lee - welcome. I guess I just went on a few bum dates and talk from experience!

Auntiegwen - I can honestl;y say that my years as firstly a vegan and then a veggie I farted more than a herd of Freezian cows buggering up the ozone layer! Mabe that was just me though!

Tattie Weasle - oh how I love your name! Yes the story is complete bonkers but sooooo much fun! I spend my time hooting with laghter and what my brain and Sy's brain comes up with for them. You can just let your imagination go crazy!

Blogthatmama - another fab name - thanks for the vote, bless you. Don't win anything except a bit of exposure really.

TMOTL - hope you caught up, enjoyed and VOTED FOR MOB! Vote for Mob, vote for Mob!

The Lehners in France said...

Yeah MOB 25%, you go girl. I spent the weekend finding new sites and encouraging them to vote, so let's hope you get a few more. I hope Stinking Billy wasn't offended. MOB do you have any contact details for Marmite toastie? She's in a bad way, that's why I've been a bit side tracked. My email is on my site if you do. Bebs x

Sy said...

Gosh Debs. Canvassing for more votes for MOB? And I thought me and you had something special! Actually, anyone know when this is finishing? I think people are getting bored of oour begging! Tell you what, you guys stop mentioning it to people, and I will get them to vote. OK? Yeah? Marvellous!

It is good to see you are coming up for air Debs! Also nice to see you sitting up again! How was hubby after his trip?

The Lehners in France said...

Sy, Hubby was relaxed and refreshed after his 2 weeks work. He arrived home somewhat bow legged due to the 2 spacehoppers between his legs. I soon sorted that out though, he's still sleeping it off and looking forward to another week of R&R in the YUK, working. Debs x

Sy said...

It is when the testicular spacehopers grow the hears to tug on that it gets really uncomfortable!

Sy said...

hears? ears... Although I guess the two go hand in hand!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs - your a dynamo what with running such a fantastic ad campaign for me! I don't know how to ever repay you for such dedication! Re Martmite Toastie - she's new to me so I don't know her. Good on you for being so caring but I couldn't find your email address on your site to let you know this.

Sy - hands off my campaign manager! Look how much percentage of the votes you can loose in a few days like emzeegee has done. I wasn't even in the running for a while there and I know that you were mega generous in helping me get there so we can't give up now. Debs you could always go down my blog roll of regular commentators and beg them for votes - I was too shy to do that! Honestly and some of these wonderful folks have given me great awards over the last year. Go Debs go don't be nobbled by Sy who should know better!

It's only another week anyway and all this wonderful fun will be over but at least the laughter will go on as what a team we make.

Debs - so you've been playing with the old one-eyed trouser snake have you?! Bob must have a beautiful smile on his face then!

merry weather said...

MOB, I've been here such a long time now, voting, laughing, and laughing some more. You're a wicked woman!!

This Simondo will be terribly sorry he ever popped up from under a stone eh, he was a gift to you. Ah, great fun!!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Ah Merry Weather - I am delighted to see you came on by what with your hectic new work demands and schedule. Yeah poor old Simondo he really only exists in Hortense's head you know! Or is it mine? God knows perhaps I'm morphing into her! I am indeed a minxy old bag up to no good!

The Freelance Guru said...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. What are you two doing to yourselves..

The Lehners in France said...

MOB 26% Wooaahhh!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dear Freelance Guru - perhaps we need counselling! You'd make a fortune here.

Debs - way to go woooo! Chuffed or what?!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dear Freelance Guru - perhaps we need counselling! You'd make a fortune here.

Debs - way to go woooo! Chuffed or what?!

WT said...

I am repulsed by the description of Hortense, and yet strangely, I'm very much aroused. Although I'd need a marking pen to do justice to those quadruple D breasts of hers (so I can mark my place while I take a break).

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

WT - Hortense read your esage and she's paid a visit to your site. She's said that if things don't work out with Simondo, she'll be over to see you. Better warn Mrs WT that she could end up arm wrestling or bare knuckle fisty fighting over you.....

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.