Wednesday, 21 May 2008

'The One'

Simondo woke with a screaming headache and wondered what had interrupted his slumber. Lying half awake in a room that was dimly lit from the emerging dawn outside, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his balled fists and could just make out last night’s discarded metallic curry dishes strewn on the cluttered and battered old piece of car-boot quality furniture that his slum-landlord laughingly called a ‘coffee table’.

The beep of his cell phone brought him quickly to a new level of consciousness. He rolled over and checked out the alarm clock; bright red digital numbers showing 05.30am burned through the half dark at him. Reaching out to the side table he groped around for the phone to see who the hell was texting him at this time of the morning. .

“Bugger it”, he said in exasperation as he realised it wasn’t there and that he’d have to get out of bed to locate it. He badly wanted to roll over and slip back into his alcohol binge induced coma, but there was no chance of getting back to sleep with all that intermittent beeping going on. Lying there for a moment he scratched his permanently itchy nether regions before letting out a fart that made the windows of his room rattle. He chuckled because he regularly enjoyed a good scratch and never more so when followed by a rip roaring fart in front of the girls in the office; “it made the slow days of being a computer operator pass more enjoyably”, he thought.

“God what a bloody awful hangover”, he groaned as he lay there allowing his eyes to become accustomed to the multitude of shadows that the early dawn light cast into his room through the single thickly woven burgundy curtain, that when pulled to its limits, only just managed to cover the grimy sash window. Pulling the covers back, he shivered as the cold air hit his body. Quickly locating his discarded once white but now grimy gray underpants on the floor, he pulled them on in an attempt to clothe himself against the icy draft coming in through the decaying wooden window frames. In theory this might have worked but for the huge hole in the rear of his pants that completely negated any benefit he might have gleaned from his action. Johnny Fartpants had nothing on this guy.

Lurching through the debris of abandoned odd socks, worn underwear, beer cans and old pizza boxes, he searched furiously for the perpetrator of the hugely annoying beep that had forced him out of his pit. Its incessant intrusion into his hung-over consciousness was beginning to irritate him and he swore loudly as he stubbed his toe blindly and hard against the coffee table. Holding his toe and falling back onto the old black leatherette sofa, a relic from the 1970’s, he let out a huge groan and swore further as he caught his right butt cheek on the protruding spring that had broken loose through the non fireproof foam and the broken leatherette covering.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph”, he called out in agony, “if that spring’s damaged my tattoo of Ted Bundy then I’ll swing for that bloody landlord”, he promised with a malevolent sneer on his face. It had been a bone of contention between them that the old miser refused to shell out for something that you could safely sit on without injuring your back passage. Standing up, his toe hurt and throbbed, but his butt cheek was more in need of attention given how much he revered his tattoo and what it had cost him – five weekends of double shift overtime before he could complete the whole work; that and not to mention not being able to sit down for three days when the tattoo artist had done his thing. Furthermore, it had been annoying having to think up excuses as to why he needed to stand for eight hours a day when those silly giggling girls in the office made fun of him – all those references to him having piles and needing a rubber ring to sit down wore thin. But that was nothing compared to this, Christ this was a travesty, all that money and agony and for what?; a bloody spring to scar his butt cheek and make a total mockery of all that he’d gone through to have his hero permanently etched on his bum cheek. He rubbed his butt hard and winced as pain shot down the back of his leg. Just as he was about to examine the damage in the cracked dusty mirror perched on top of a table, the beep of the phone reminded him of his original purpose for being out of bed.

Listening more intently now that he was fully awake, his eyes scanned the room and rested on his black leather jacket draped over the back of a dining chair. “Oh bollocks, it’s probably still in there after getting home from doing that eight hour pub crawl with Sy last night”, he spat bad temperedly, as he limped over to check his jacket pockets.

Pulling the phone from his pocket, he squinted to see who’d woken him and been the cause of so much injury in the space of five minutes. Just at that moment, the phone sprang into action and an unknown number flashed up on the screen. He jumped back at the suddenness of the phone playing the Nolan Sisters ‘I’m in the mood for dancing’ theme that he’d especially chosen as his ring tone. What was merely seconds but felt like an age he stood motionless wondering what the emergency was for someone to be so bloody rude to wake him so early. With a flick of the thumb he pressed answer and barked “Who the bloody hell is this then?”, trying to sound menacing whilst stretching his five foot four frame as tall as he could possibly get.

“Hello, It’s me, Hortense, calling about our date”, said a voice that sounded more like a deep menacing baritone voice from a film trailer for an American horror movie.

He felt a warm glow engulf him as recognition set in. “So this was the babe that Sy had told him about, boy was he excited to meet her and the sooner the better. Who cared if she had woken him at such an ungodly hour, from what Sy had said, she could be ‘the one’” he thought excitedly, as he limped back to lie on his bed..

“Well hello there babe”, he drawled back at her with a strong and suddenly acquired mid-Atlantic accent. “When are you free babe?; what day suits you best?", he asked, whilst unconsciously scratching an area he ought not to.

“Free?”, she asked rhetorically; “probably in about five years what with good behaviour thrown in, but for you darlin’, my pretty, I’ll give up my weekends with Mob”.

Thrilled at the prospect of meeting ‘the one’, knowing that she too had a tattoo of Jeffrey Dahmer on her left arse cheek and hearing what he thought might just be the sound of a whip cracking in the background, he capitulated and offered her every weekend she wanted for the rest of his life....All she had to do was accept............. His heart beat with wild anticipation as Barry White's Love's theme coursed through his mind.

He couldn’t wait to surprise her with a gift of his very own favourite Argos’s own brand cologne that he had bought on impulse for her only the day before. Who cared if those imbecilic girls in the office said it smelled of fly-spray, on her it would smell devine..........

"Let me check my social diary and I'll get back to you", she rasped huskily at him. "But first, you have to come over to the dark side, have to promise me you'll vote for MOB, vote for MOB", she repeated as she let out a deep mwahahahahahahahahaha type laugh before hanging up the line...

****Readers please note - Simondo is a fictional character and doesn't relate to anyone alive, barely alive, dead, about to be exhumed, or contacted as part of a seance. As for Hortense............****

34 comments:

Some random stranger said...

I was going to write a post about cat crap tonight after the football. But I see I will have to write about something else!

Leave "part two" of "The one" to me.

Man that last line has a lot of numbers.

ciara said...

i loved this...you write so well. i'll try to pop over to the voting thing in a bit.

aims said...

What a laugh MOB! All that to beg for a vote. You got mine and you know it! Over and over and over and over and over.....

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

SRS - now what makes you think that not writing about cat poop would be an improvement on what you are now planning to write, eh? Okay, if you must hijack my story, it would be an honour to see how you interpret the next instalment! I shall await your section of the story with great anticipation.

Ciara - thank you and thanks for the vote. Hortense will be ever so grateful!

AIMS - as you do mine, my sweet! Every vote counts!

Tina said...

Oh MOB, you do make me laugh!

Some random stranger said...

Well I figure we should at least send them on their date! They may well have cat crap for dinner...

LittleBrownDog said...

Well, you definitely have my vote, Mob. I always know where to come for a guaranteed chuckle whatever life chucks at me.

(Like the way you've redesigned your page, by the way - very smart.) xx

insane mama said...

A tattoo of Ted Bundy! I love it!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Tina - coming from someone who is a cracking good larf, that is a major compliment. But can you vote please, I’m begging you for God’s sake, please, please vote?!

SRS - yes they should date, can you imagine the pathology of their children if they had any? But please don't make them eat cat shit on their first date - this does not fit in with my 'vision' for them! Road kill perhaps!

LBD - folks who read this comment, you must read Little brown Dog's blog - she is a magnificent writer who should be published big time.

Insane Mamma - seems Ted Bundy is a fav of this guy and who can blame him eh? But we do specialise in our own Serial Killers in this country such as the delightful Harold Shipman no less!

Some random stranger said...

They have dated. It went...ummm...very well. Kinda. Not.

Casdok said...

And you have mine!!

And to ans your question, it is a full time place. How do i feel about it? Not sure i can put it in words. :(

The Lehners in France said...

Brilliant MOB, I can just picture, those "chewing gum" coloured baggy billy doos with a whole in the arse! My ex used to get out of bed and do an enormous fart. Why do men do that?
Debs x

Mopsa said...

Utterly shameless MOB! How do you dream up such vile personalities?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

SRS - have been over and read your hilarious version of events - don't be nicking my small but loyal readership y'hear?!

Casdok - thanks, much appreciated what with all you have going on right now.

Debs - yes some men are do die for! No wonder your ex is your ex - much better he is doling out his botty burps to some other poor unsuspecting nasally challeged bird!

Mopsa - what can I say - it's clearly a gift! I did get some help from the male perspective from a commenter on here!

She's like the wind said...

That was hilarious - I have voted. xx

Some random stranger said...

I think your loyal readership won't ever leave you! Nice to do a cross site post though, that was something different!

I should note that I do not do such things in front of my wife either! I am the perfect gentleman...kinda.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

So funny MOB!
You write excellently!
I have been to the site and voted for you!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

SLTW - thanks Windy!

SRS - I have never had a better time blogging doing the cross posting - I'm not done with the story yes as there is more mileage in it. We might have hit on something here for a short while anyway! Re the gentleman thing - good for you, I bet you are a hoot to live with. My husband is just the best, geat sense of humour and loyal to he end. He rescued me. Some men are just great and some of us women got lucky.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Brit - thanks for popping by and leaving such a nice comment and for voting - bless you. I just love your blog and you had me in tears as I was reading some of your poetry. Your on my blog roll now - no escaping!

The Lehners in France said...

Just voted again, we've got to knock the other off 2nd slot! Have just left a comment on "the other side." I've also left another comment on Best Blog to encourage people to read the banter B4 voting for anyone else!
Debs x

Some random stranger said...

Yup, tis mucho funno! There are definately another couple of posts in this one still! But I wonder if our readers have gone to the others site to see what is going on... Confused? They will be!

I wont lie. I am an awesome husband. Dammit. The not lying didnt last long did it. But my wife is as off the hook as I am, so it is all good all the time!

Thanks Debs for the great comments too on the voting site!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Bebs - woohoo up to a whole 21%!!!! Only two percent between me and the second place encumbent! With a bit of luck I will make it into second place. ou are being the most fantastic support for both SRS and me - thanks you wonderful person.

SRS - I will get cacking on the next bit after I get a hold on the massive hangover that I have after a night up the pub with some bezzie mates and my wonder hubbie. It always seems a good idea at the time.

The Lehners in France said...

MOB that must be some hangover, your typos are excellent. Especially the one to SRS "I will get Cacking on the next bit!" Perish the thought, you'll be peeing like a rhino next. PASS ME THE RUBBER SHEET! debs x

The Lehners in France said...

MOB that must be some hangover, your typos are excellent. Especially the one to SRS "I will get Cacking on the next bit!" Perish the thought, you'll be peeing like a rhino next. PASS ME THE RUBBER SHEET! debs x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh bugger, hadn't even noticed that awful typo but it is one hell of a hangover! I seriously regret drinking that much but we had such a great day yesterday and we were all on a high. It was an impromptu get together with two of our great pals who live over the road and having not had dinner, it all went to our heads rather quuckly!

I need another eight hours sleep! But I've been canvassing pals on the phone to vote for me! A few have and I am so thrilled about that - it's so exciting!!

Some random stranger said...

If you cack on my site, I am gonna have words with you!

Ahhh. A hangover. What a wonderful feeling. I was busy being tired last night and after managing an entire 2 beers, I fell unconcious for a few hours. Luckily that was last night and not tonight as I am off of work tomorrow and working nights from Sunday night for a few days, so I "HAVE" to stay up late as I can the next couple of nights to condition myself for them. Alternatively, you can read "He is going to get trashed and spend te day in bed with a hangover all in the name of working a nightshift" in to it instead.

I agree. Thanks Bebs (whoever you are. Are you what Hortense is to MOB? Interesting.) for your support! It has been quite a bit of fun the last week getting some banter going on with us all! I will have a beer in both of your names (Bebs and Debs) tonight. Oh OK MOB. I will have one for you too.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

SRS Oh feck I called her Bebs! What kind of cyber mate gets her mate's name wrong eh? Sorry Debs, wonderful Debs, loyal and supportive Debs! Forgive me! I am an alcohol ridden old soak who is decomposing by the minute - that's all I have to say in my defence.

I remember doing support work on nights many moons ago - just plays havoc with the old system but then it will be good training for you to get into the swing as a first time father - you can let Mrs Sy have a few hours’ kip.

I promise not to cack anywhere - I'll leave that up to Hortense - she's never really had full control of her bowels. Once when we were at Royal Ascot........Oh I'll leave that for another day.....But suffice to say that Pampers now make 'size 25' nappy for a client who shall not be named. She does so well with the one pair of incontinence pants that she owns though. How she ekes them out all month before the warders hose her down is a complete wonder.

Some random stranger said...

I dont think the decomposing is a valid enough excuse for getting your mates name wrong. I think you need to apologise my profusely then that by voting for me for the next week. Yeah, that is realistically the one and only way, and she will thank you for it.

The joys of my job is that it is all server based. So we sit about waiting for a server or mission critical app to fall over which stops the planes taking off. And then when they dont work, we walk around the terminal laughing at the stranded passengers. Of course I am only kidding. Walking? Point and laugh from the office. MUCH easier!
Mrs Sy is very lucky with my shifts as I get a lot of time off to spend as much time as I can with little daughter person so she will be able to sleep! I can sleep at work, meaning those planes STILL dont take off.

She gets a once a month hose down? I take it you pay for that kind of luxury? Geez. I went for 3 months to the point where some kind of life form created itself in my underwear. They didnt speak English though so we all used sign language and sniffed each other.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I used to write those airline programmes using something called TIP - Transaction Inteface Package probably before you were born! I was an Assemble programmer, then COBOL, then onto 4th generation languages. I was in support for many years, a systems analyst doing remote support to customer systems and then progressed into management for a very large American computer manufacturer. All a generation before you! Small world eh?

Now as to Hortie's hosing down - people pay good money to get that sort of thing done with a power hose at some of those health spa's they go to - but given she is being held at her Majesty's pleasure until it is safe to release her back into the community then it's the humble taxpayer shelling out for such luxuries. And no, you cannot have my votes for the next week Nice try..

Some random stranger said...

Eeesh. You are about 90 years old arent you! I have played with C++ and did a fair bit in VB, but got bored with programming very quickly, so went the server route instead. More stuff to break! These days I work for that company that runs the main UK airports...and messed up T5 (well, BA did too...)

I managed to send 6 votes your way tonight, which seems to have nicked 2nd for you. (as of 1:18am) I will get some more for you tomorrow from the ones that had already voted today when I asked them to. :o)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Sy, I can't believe that you did that for me. You are some kinda guy besides being devilishly funny. Yup 22% Woohoo! Second again even if it is for just a short while, I am really touched by your kindness. You definitely get my votes as promised yesterday should things change towards the end. I will keep my word on that.

Re the programming thing - yup programming was a bore for me too so didn't do it for long. I needed to know languages as I was what we called then a systems analyst. I spent a lot of time writing fixes for code that blew up and brought down customer systems such as the one's we supported for BA. White knuckle stuff at the time as everything ground to a halt until we got things sorted. I suppose it's pretty much the same for you guys today. We only had one major system take care of everything on each customer site and it was years before the concept and reality of a backup system to switch to while we fixed the down one was introduced. I once spent 48 hours non stop on site fixing a ropey old bit of software that the States had sent out without beta testing properly. I had eyes like Peter Laurie by the time I got some sleep! I don't miss that kind of dedication to duty anymore - too old and if I'm up at all at night then it's for a wazz and nowt else!

Thanks buddy you are the best.

blogthatmama said...

Hello MOB this is my first time on your blog and I laughed my head off - I love those 'feck me pumps'. I'm going to have to set aside some valuable house cleaning time to read through the rest of it. Brill!

Carolyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carolyn said...

That delete was me. Oooops. You are one crazy nut. Off to read more...