Want to read how it all started?
Emerging from the secret tunnel that led back into her high security cell, Hortense brushed the dirt from her clothes and turned to look for Mob. She wasn’t there and bugger she had so much to tell her about her date with that luuuurrrrve-God Simondo. Good God it had been hard for her to resist him on the date but resist him she did when he had turned uncontrollably passionate and clamped himself to her leg as she pole danced around the street lamp for him. On the upside, the three pounds twenty pence she had made in tips from the late night drinkers on their way to the curry house had been an unexpected bonus and she’d use it to buy back the cigars she had traded for the Brut cologne with Nutty Norah earlier that day.
Much as it had broken her heart to do it at the time, she’d had no choice but to wrench Simondo free of her shorter limb and end the date for if she hadn’t she’d have been gone, lost to lust and lurrrrvvve and just putty in his arms and who knows where that would have led to on their first date? She wasn’t ready to play hide the sausage, or hunt the one eyed trouser snake; this was much too serious for her dignity to be thrown away on a cheap one night stand fuelled by buckets of cut-price White Diamond cider nicked from ‘Pish Drinks R Us’ . No, she would wait; hold off until the moment was right to share her bodily fluids with him; she wanted it to be special. She was no old slapper, sleeping with a guy on the first date and besides she needed time to perfect her routine of pelvic floor exercises for she’d been somewhat ‘loose’ of late with a bit of leakage here and there. She promised herself that she’d make damn sure that at their ‘special moment’ he wouldn’t feel as though he was chucking a chipolata up Oxford Street. She allowed herself a little smile; “things were on the up, for her slippers weren’t half as soggy as they had been of late”, she thought, as she sat down to ‘squeeze and release and squeeze and release’ her old rat into shape whilst she waited for Mob to return from wherever she had gone to.
“Oh you’re back”, commented a surprised Mob just moments later as she entered the cell, stemming blood flow from her nose with the sleeve of her top.
“Where have you been? I’ve so much to tell you”, said a frustrated Hortense who stood up quickly and proceeded to remove her leather thong for it was cutting into her crack like a piece of cheese wire.
“I popped along to see Whacky Jacky, she was having a cheese and wine party to welcome that new girl in B wing, I told you about it yesterday”, she said in exasperation. I'd have been back sooner 'cept I got into a fist fight with that Camilla who nabbed the last canape before I got to it. Mob shook her head because it was useless telling Hortense anything these days such was the obsession she had with Simondo; it was “Simondo this and Simondo that”, since they had started texting each other; to tell the truth, she was envious and just a little jealous; she didn’t want to lose her friend and secretly she hoped the date had bombed but then she immediately felt guilty and mean for thinking that.
Hortense turned and gave Mob a look of puzzlement. “Whacky Jacky?, she asked.; the Whacky Jacky that you swore nicked my stash of Forerro Roche sweets last week? What the hell are you doing hanging out with her for after she went and did a thing like that to me?”, she asked her. Hortense’s heart sunk a little but she played along for she suspected that Whacky Jacky was MOB’s imaginary friend and her excuse for when she got the munchies, which was quite often given that she was a fat greedy old muntah on the take, and needed to hit Hortense’s stash of goodies like a swarm of locust.
Mob looked almost guilty and at the same time let out a highly audible and fairly impressive burp in Hortense’s face before heading to her bunk for a lie down. Oh for feck sake she cried as she steadied herself and clung to the padded cell wall and then heaved her guts a bit for you could easily gas badgers with Mob’s breath . “Christ what was it with these people?”, she asked herself, with disgust etched on her face; only hours earlier Simondo had almost taken the lining off her lungs with the world’s worst fart known to man. She’d no doubt that between them they were probably responsible for half of the hole in ozone layer. Completely oblivious to Hortense's gagging, Mob opened her mouth to speak.....”I, erm....”
“Oh, never mind, just forget that for the moment”, interrupted Hortense as she came round from her dizzy spell. “Let’s talk about the date, the date, the date!”, she said excitedly, as she beamed a huge smile and hugged Simondo’s photo close to her heart. Before Mob could ask the question, Hortense launched into the details of the evening and waxed lyrical about Simondo until Mob no longer recognised the short-arsed toothless one eyed maimed dweeb that Simondo’s roommate Sy had told her about.
“This is Simondo that we’re talking about, right?”, asked Mob, with a baffled look on her face and deeply unsure as to whether Hortense had by accident pulled some hunk of a guy that had no sense of smell, was visually challenged and liked birds with a voice deeper than Orson Wells’ with a twelve o’clock shadow on their chin or if she’d met Simondo and somehow received a severe bump on the head on the way back through the tunnel and was now heavily concussed and hallucinatory.
“Oh Mob, I’m in love, I’m sure of it”, she answered with the dreamiest look softening her face. She did a little dance with an imaginary Simondo round the cell and giggled at the silliness of it all. For someone of 6'4" with one leg shorter than the other, she reminded Mob of a circus bear on dope but she was nevertheless surprisingly light on her mismatched feet.. She felt light hearted and happy and suddenly had the urge to do good deeds for all and sundry; she’d even stop ‘goosing’ the governor Shooie McPhee if it meant that she could feel like this forever.
Mob looked on horrified as her friend kissed and licked Simondo’s photograph before carefully placing it on her designated space on the shelf they shared. Hortense continued to undress and unhooked the leather pointy bra she’d been wearing and carefully placed it with her other clothes. “Holy shit, that bra had its work cut out”, Mob thought, as Hortense’s tits hit the deck and hung and swung like rats in socks. She couldn’t help notice that the hairs on Hortense’s nipples had grown rather long and made a mental note to remind her to ask Mad Madddie for a loan of her tweezers tomorrow.
Hortense pulled on her ‘chav size and over’ puce coloured Primark knitted nightdress and slipped her feet into the size 11 black fluffy slippers that she favoured when she wanted to feel elegant and desirable. “Oh if only Simondo could see me now, he wouldn’t or couldn’t resist me”, she trilled lightly to Mob.
“I wouldn’t be so sure on that, not after what I’ve just seen. He'd probably lose his lunch first”, thought Mob rather bitchily, as she smiled back at Hortense and said, “so what now, Hortie, will you see him again and how does he feel about you?”. Just as she was about to answer, an incoming text message beeped on her cell phone.
“I love you babe and I can’t live without you. Be mine forever gorgeous? We must never be apart again. The pole dance did it for me foxy lady”, was the declaration of love from Simondo.
Staring at the screen in disbelief Hortense sunk down into her bunk in shock. Noticing the colour drain from Hortense’s face, and being aware that she had been silent for longer than she could ever remember, Mob took the phone from her hand and looked at the screen. “Dear God in heaven, what the? ;what does his mean?, she burbled as she turned to look at her friend. Hortense sat quietly and serenely as she stared straight ahead, but she couldn’t hide her emotions for Mob caught the tears of joy that cascaded softly down her cheeks. “He wants me Mob. For the first time in my life someone wants me for who I am, lock stock and barrel and hang the consequences and do you know what?, she asked “I’m getting out of here, getting out to find a life worth living as soon as I can arrange it”.
Mob felt so deeply saddened, it was all happening too fast for her and soon she would lose the best friend she’d ever had but she knew in her heart this was Hortense’s last chance at happiness so she’d do everything in her power to help her be with the man she loved even if he did look like something out of feckinguglygit.com.
“Where will you go Hortie, who do you know on the outside that can help you get away, besides Simingdo?”, She’d taken to calling him that because she felt the name suited him more as clearly he was a bit of a minger in her eyes.
“My cousin Debs, that’s it, Debs, she’ll help us!”, Hortense said as she became more and more excited about escaping for a new life. "She’s scarpered to France with that posh husband of hers”, she carried on, “married good that one did in the end. First husband was a bit limp I gather but this new one’s a bit of a diamond geezer from what she’s told me. Got quite a mansion out there, glad to see she put all that money she made from fencing goods to good use. Better that than trying to launder it all back here; too risky and now that she’s almost legit I’m sure she won’t mind helping me".
She stopped to take a breath and looked straight at Mob with a face so alive that she almost looked beautiful. "Y'know, I taught her everything I know about money laundering so I guess she owes me big time huh? Her husband goes back and forth between Blighty and France on a regular basis so he’d be an ideal ‘donkey’ to bring fake passports and travel documents. No one would suspect him because he’s such a flippin goody two shoes. It’s perfect Mob, I can see it all coming together now”.
“But surely you don’t want to live in France Hortie? They eat snails and frogs legs there and if you're not careful you’ll get a dobbin burger served up when all you wanted was a bit of beef”, she exclaimed, hoping still, in a last ditch attempt to convince her to stay.
“Oh don’t be such a daft bugger Mob!; you’re worried about what I’ll eat when I’ve lived on prison food with gob and snot in it for the last five years?!” Mob had to laugh at herself because it was true, you could never be sure if that white stringy stuff on the pizza was extra mozzarella or something more sinister from the prison cook's orifice. "And besides, I won’t miss prison food too much because as far as I remember, eating at Debs’ house is like eating at a bush tucker trial. Poor girl was much too interested in horses to ever learn to cook properly. You're more likely to get a nosebag hung around your neck than to get a decent meal out of the old gal".
“But you are right in one respect", Hortense agreed; "we’d stick out like a couple of sore thumbs in France; we’d be too easy to catch. Best we try and get to the Costa’s in Spain or Magaluf perhaps where the rest of the chav muntah gang hang out. I’ll get Simondo to have a look at cheap deals on lastminutecheapoholidaysforchavswithtattoosandontherun.com”, she said as she started to text Simondo with her plans.
It was easy getting out of prison as their tunnel showed, it was staying out that was the bigger challenge and that’s where her cousin Debs was worth her weight in gold. "We’ll go to France first off", she said, and then take it from there.
Mob sighed deeply but said a little prayer of thanks that at least she had Whacky Jacky to keep her company.. "Vote for Mob, vote for Mob ", shouted Whacky Jacky, as Hortense busied herself with her plans......
***** Want to read the hilarious Simondo's version? It's called the morning after the night before over here Wheels turning but the hamster is dead.
*****Want to visit Hortense's cousin Debs in France, click here!*****http://lehnersinfrance.blogspot.com/
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