Tuesday, 11 March 2008

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..........

……and this little piggy went AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH, deeeeeaaaar GOD, whaaaat the hellllllllll was thaaaaaaaaaat? Now you are probably wondering what I am on about. Well it has a lot to do with why I have yet again been absent for a while when I promised not to go walkabout again. This time I didn’t actually go walkabout – it was almost impossible for me to walkabout anywhere, literally, because I broke my fecking toe. There I was happily bounding towards my study, in the dark, when shoeless, I felt a horrendous thwack, thump and heard a nauseating crack of something as my foot made contact with my unseen monster of a vacuum cleaner. Talk about shock. I reeled backwards in sheer bloody agony and managed to get to a place where I could sit and absorb the sheer awfulness of it all whilst trying not to barf up dinner. God knows how I got there – it is a complete blur to me but I guess adrenalin kicked in and coupled with shock I just ran on both feet before hurling myself onto a couch. I sat holding my foot - as though that would help - and I groaned in sheer agony as whiplash after whiplash of pain seared up my foot and along my leg. I grabbed a pillow to bite – it could very well have been one of my wee Jack Russell’s that were standing looking at me nearby – I just needed anything to stop me screaming out loud like a banshee on overtime. After what seemed an age I could feel the worst of the pain begin to subside and I thought I should chance taking a step: Big mistake. I knew from the ricocheting pain travelling along my foot that the crack I marginally recalled hearing was indeed not the vacuum breaking but my poor wee toe.

I knew you couldn’t do anything to fix a broken toe so I played the brave wee soldier and convinced my lovely husband that a trip to Casualty needn’t be required. I could see the sheer joy on his face at narrowly escaping a possible four to five hour wait in an overly bright and sterile looking area whilst listening to the needy and the hurt bemoan their lot. I had to agree, and that, coupled with the thought of slurping tepid murky looking water passing as tea and coffee from the hospital vending machine, was enough to convince me to stay at home.

I spent three days hobbling about the house by walking on the side of the foot and it hurt like buggery. But I couldn’t sit still – before I had my set-to with the vacuum we had bought enough food to feed a small third world village for six months – and it needed cooking. The plan wasn’t to eat it all in one go you understand – we can shift a pile or two but even we have limits – but it was my quarterly ‘big cook off’ where I cook everything from scratch, box it up and stack it away in our two freezers. That way we get to do portion control, don’t have to cook every night if we don’t want to when we are tired and frazzled and all we need buy from Waitrose is the comestibles such as salad, fresh veg and eggs to keep us going with a good all round diet. And so I prepared, cooked, washed up and by the fourth day was then making lunch for two close girlfriends who had been scheduled to come to lunch; I hadn’t told them about the broken toe, they would have insisted in bringing lunch and I didn’t want the fuss………..By the end of the afternoon on that fourth day, I caved in and went to casualty. Well, eventually I did….

……..I tried not to go, I really did because I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time and money but by now I needed crutches to get about for even the shortest amount of steps. So I phoned the surgery around the corner from my house for I had been told that they might be able to lend me a pair. Nope, not a chance, it was even worse than getting help for the menopause – a trainee ‘old hairy face’ was having none of it. ‘Sorry, but you’ll have to get your arse down to the surgery in the next town so that the practice nurse can have a look at it first’ she informed me through a pinched nose making her voice sound all tight and officious. Okay she didn’t actually say arse but she may have done for all I cared. ‘But, I can’t walk more than five steps, not even enough to get around to you guys around the corner let alone make it to the next town’, I responded somewhat exasperated. ‘In fact’, I continued apace, I can’t even get to my car on the drive to even attempt to get there and dear God, what if I have an accident or break down, how am I supposed to deal with that?’ I asked her with rising frustration.

By now my toe was throbbing big style and I was beginning to feel even more helpless than before I had called for I was imagining just about every scenario possible where something could go wrong and I couldn’t ‘toe it off’ to get myself out of danger. ‘And besides’, I carried on, ‘I’m fairly hefty weight wise with rather large mammary glands and hopping around is not an option lest I want to suffer a blackout from oncoming boobs in the face department’. ‘Look, Mrs Menopausaloldbag,’ she rasped back at me, if you can’t make it down to the town surgery then you’ll just have to call Social Services, now if there’s nothing more that I can do for you then I must get on’, she said before I heard the click of the receiver and the call-disconnected tone whining away in my ear. Clearly I had interfered with her day by expecting some kind of help and being the jobsworth she is I had taken much too much of her time already for she probably had a queue of people waiting that she needed to piss off. She probably had some way to go to beat the pevious days quota that old hairy face senior had set her. ‘Nothing more I can do for you? Nothing more I can do for you?’ Chrikey, her words rang in my ears. If she’d done any fecking less for me it would have been as if I hadn’t bothered my arse to make the call in the first place.

Coming to terms with my new found temporary disability, I lay back in my big comfortable recliner seat – perhaps there was some positive stuff to come out of this situation after all, given that it is the most comfortable seat in the whole wide world, perhaps even the universe – and I decided to have a nap. I was exhausted from crawling about the house and bumming my way up and down the stairs when I needed to get about – heavens the muck you see on the floors and under things when your perspective is about a foot from the ground. So, I snuggled down with a soft and cuddly cover over me and both mini-mutts snuggled in beside me. ‘Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad’, I thought ‘if I could just force myself to sit on the old lardy butt and do bugger all’. And so there I was, gently snoozing mah heed aff when I had the most intense electrical shock of a pain wake me from my slumber as it ripped all the way up my leg and back. ‘Jesssssuuuuussss Chriiiiiiiisssssst’ I wailed at the dogs as they ran off in abject fear for I am not usually a loud person that shouts out in agony. That was the final straw - not even the four anti-inflammatory painkillers I had taken an hour before were able to dull the vile shocks and intense throbbing. I knew I had to get some sticks and decided that by whatever means necessary I would make it down to the surgery to borrow the only flippin pair of crutches apparently available in Northamptonshire.

And so by the fifth day, with my husband leaving work early and giving me a fireman’s lift into the surgery, I got an appointment with my practice nurse. She looked at the toe – it was four times its normal size and getting fairly black by this time – and she wouldn’t or couldn’t give me the only spare pair of crutches the surgery had. ‘You’ll have to go and get that checked out at casualty’, she said with an air of authority. ‘But whyyyyyyyyy?’, I asked like a whiny snotty nosed child. ‘You know that casualty can’t do anything about a broken toe and it means I’ll have to walk on the side of my foot which is so sore now too that I just want to sob with the pain of it all. And all that they will do is give me the sticks when you know, if you could just turn a blind eye, you could save me hours and hours of sitting in casualty and hand them over to me now’. I pleaded on deaf ears, she was having none of it. ‘Nope, it’s best if you get it x-rayed just to make sure and then you can get some sticks from them’, she said leaving the room as she swanned off to find a doctor to sign the form for the fast track to the x-ray department. My heart sunk, I should have known better, known that I wasn’t in it for the short haul when she had first walked into her office, looked at me and said, ‘So Mrs Menopausaloldbag, what can I do for you and Oh, she exclaimed in surprise, your erm broken nose?’ ‘Broken nose?’, I repeated questioningly. I sat and looked at her perplexed face before realising that the town surgery receptionist clearly misinterpreted my request for an appointment because I had broken one of my toes and therefore needed the crutches. How the hell she thought I needed crutches for a broken nose was beyond me.

So all in all, a fireman’s lift back to the car and into the casualty reception meant my husband almost needed to see a doctor too, for although tall and strong, the poor guy isn’t built to carry a fat arsed lardy butt around in his spare time. The upshot was that I had a good clean break right where the toe joins the foot, there was nothing they could do for me except join it up to an adjoining toe as a splint and send me off, much to my husbands delight, with a pair of crutches. So cheesed off by the end of that little adventure we drove straight to the pub where I downed two huge glasses of wine and lo and behold the pain subsided and the world was for a short time again a wonderful place to live. It has been strange being so housebound for almost three weeks. I haven’t been able to walk the dogs and when it pours with rain I am glad of that – it eases the guilt when they look up at me with beautiful hazel and amber eyes just willing me to take them out no matter the weather. But I haven’t been idle – I just haven’t been too physical.

So why didn’t I post? The pain was just too much at times and I wasn’t in the brightest of moods in the early days so I just left well alone and my dear friends it was murder trying to get everything fitted in where I had lost time with the broken toe. Work was backing up yet again, my husband had a very important presentation to write and deliver to some cabinet ministers and I was helping out with that. We had two other big events that had tight deadlines and we had the accountant popping around to pick up all of our books for the taxman to pore over. To add to the mix, I have been helping a good pal with her job search and doing speculative letter writing on her behalf so whatever could be done from my chair with a laptop was done and the rest had to wait. I’m well on the mend now and will be back in our gymnasium next week to restart that big new training programme we started and had to abandon. My book is coming along and although there is the odd brick wall now and then, I am finding it enjoyable and exhilarating too.

My laptop wasn’t connected to the wireless network and I couldn’t really get around to doing that but if it had of been I would have at least blogged once or twice. I’ve connected it now so in future I shall be able to blog until my heart is content should I ever be incapacitated again. My desktop where I usually write from in the study is up a small flight of stairs and it was hard to get in and out of there. My HRT really only started to kick in too last week after three months so my energy levels have returned to what they were before I cocked it all up at Christmas. So, all in all things are returning to normal and we are looking forward to Easter although it is much too early this year and the weather is going to be a washout – shame.

On my penultimate blog before my accident I had said that God willing he would give me a break and lo and behold he took me literally and gave me one. How’s that for the power of prayer eh? Next time I’ll just have to be more succinct in what kind of break I mean.

42 comments:

belle said...

ow ow owww!!! I broke my little toe many years ago now and because I was a lithe twenty three year old they refused me crutches! I had to suffer the indignity of attending the A&E I worked in because it was dislocated too. So you have my undying sympathy.

The Lehners in France said...

Hi MOB, I found you through Farming French Style. Your toe tail sounded really painful and made me whince. I dropped a log on my toe the other night and brought me tea up, so I think you did well to hold your's down. Get better soon and keep up the blogging, you are a good read. Debs

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dear God Belle, that was just pure evil making you walk around without crutches. I cannot imagine what the long term pain must have been like for you. I luckily had a pair of sandals that I bought in Luxembourg many years ago and they have an orthopedic insole and they have been a god send because I couldn't even bear having a slipper on my foor let alone a shoe. I haven't tried a shoe yet but will do over the next few days. The sandals just leave my toe exposed and fasten over the foot so at least i don't have to walk around bare foot. I'll be over to see you soon. Glad to hear from you.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

The Lehners in France - so nice of you to pop by - I'll nip over and have a look at your blog soon. I too winced at the thought of dropping a log on a toe! Hope you managed to get some more dinner after heaving yours up! Hope the toe is better too.

ciara said...

reading about any type of broken bones makes me say 'ow' and i can almost feel the pain.

a 10lb. weight at a store rolled off the shelf and dropped onto my right big toe a few months back, and i'm lucky that i had some boots that day when i usually wear flip flops.

i know what you mean about the lack of energy to do anything after that...that's exactly how i felt after i had the fall (it's been about a month now lol). good to know your hrt kicked in...wish things worked that way w thyroid disease. i also have to start back w exercise after all these weeks.

anyways, it's great to see you back :)

Kitt said...

Oh you poor thing. What a nightmare!

Tina said...

Ooh MOB, that sounds painful! The bit with the receptionist as well as the toe!

You take care of yourself woman, we like having you around.

And be careful in case you break your nose as well...

Manic Mother Of Five said...

Ow, ow and double ow. Hope you muttered several expletives, just for medicinal purposes of course.

Welcome back, understand you not being in the right frame of mind for blogging.

So what was it you were heading towards the study for in the pitch dark????? Sounds like a Cluedo clue!!

MMoF

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Ciara - now what you mean about the tired thing too but I think you might have a worse deal than me. You seem to pack so much in what with four blogs to maintain. You put me to shame woman!

Kitt - I'm well over the worst of it now thank goodness.

Tina - if there is a heaven and these receptionists ever get there then I hope the big man sends them off to wait around for an appointment for a couple of hundred years before seeing them then sending them to hell!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

MMOF - There I was bounding along and feck me.......I will never ever leave the vacuum out again! Lazy boot that I am.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Lord, Mob, you are the unlucky one! It sounds terribly painful, and really cramped your style. I once broke a toe kicking the back of a sofa - stupid and my own fault! Glad you're on the mend now. M xx

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I don't mean to laugh at your adversity, but what the hell. I hope you're feeling better now. Do all dr.'s receptionists take the How to Be Nasty to People Who Are Ill and in Pain class?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mean Mom said...

I'm really sorry that you broke your toe, but it's resulted in a very entertaining post for the rest of us! I think we must go to the same doctor's surgery. Glad you are on the mend.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Mean Mom - i've heard people moan about my surgery for ages and it was only by having to go there last year that I found out what they meant. One doctor is an absolute angel but I don't deal with him very often as I usually just see the guy who sorts my HRT dose out. He's fine but lacks any bedside manner and can be fairly humourless.

Lane said...

Dear god mob, you were treated appallingly!

Take care and hope you're hopping around (on both feet) very soon. And put that hoover away!

Mopsa said...

Swearing Mother had a post re: what would you chuck down a mega ravine if you had the chance. I think all jobsworths, particularly those in the medical/dental etc professions should have a slippery shelf right near the bottom of the crevasse. How dare they enjoy your pain? You win, though, because you scooped up all their sense of humour and writing skills for yourself. Hurrah!

Dusty Spider said...

Oh Poor You!! I wondered where you were. So glad to hear you are on the mend. Flick x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Lane - I am hobbling around fine now. I now have the gait and stance of a penguin but I can get around!

Mopsa - ah you are too kind again. Yup I'd chuck the lot - except for the kind young doc - all down a toilet and pull the chain!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Thanks Dusty Spider. On the mend I am too.

Breezy said...

Blummin heck MOB isn't it time you copped for some good luck. Fingers crossed that this is your last catastrophe for a while

laurie said...

oh my gosh that sounds painful. i'm so sorry!!

softinthehead said...

Ouch ! - So glad to hear you are on the mend and it's lovely to have you back.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Breezy - I've got just about everything you could think of crossed! It's a bizarre sort of time as I am not an unhealthy person - just one of those things I guess.

Laurie - It was but now it's just a niggly pain - next step to try and get a shoe on instead of wearing sandals in the driving sleet we have been getting here today.

Softinthehead - thanks it is great to be back. I forget what a great community we have here and it has fair been fun getting back online.

Casdok said...

Ouch! Painfull. Hope its on the mend.

Violet said...

I've never broken a bone, but I can only imagine it hurts even more than a bad case of cellulitus - which I know something about (ow!).

Valleys Mam said...

MOB I so sympathise with you.I broke my toe a few moths ago and do you know, everyone though it was so funny. Mine happened when a plant pot fell off a plant as i took it out of the car.I almost passed out on the drive, managed to get into the house My toe was turning colour and looking so odd.Four days later I also was taken to casualty and was strapped toe to toe, I was given some arm sticks and told to rest, yeh how do you do that, My toe still hurts, but I say nothing,a toe doest really figure much does it -until its yours

Willowtree said...

"……and this little piggy went AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH, deeeeeaaaar GOD, whaaaat the hellllllllll was thaaaaaaaaaat? Now you are probably wondering what I am on about. Well it has a lot to do with why I have yet again been absent for a while when I promised not to go walkabout again."

Are you saying you type with your feet??

LittleBrownDog said...

Ouch! That sounded so painful! I had no idea God could work in so literal a way - will have to be careful now what I wish for... You have my every sympathy. Glad to hear the book's coming on apace, though (silver clouds, eh?) and thank you for your kind book recommendations - I'll follow them up (am still making sloooooow progress).

xxx LBD

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Casdoc - mending well thank you. Worst of the pain gone but still haven't put a shoe on the foot yet as the toe is a niggly little sucker and just carrying a slipper around hurts it.

Violet - thanks for popping by. Love our blog.

Valleys mam - ouch your story sounds very painful too! It is certainly murder because you don't realise how much you use each toe to balance yourself and every movement just hurts the little bugger more and more.

Willowtree - actually my mammary glands are swinging so low these days I have been known to type in erroneous letters when a nipple swings over the keyboard! But I can see your point - nope never used my feet to type but not been in a good mood and in pain and busy busy busy meant that when I did drag myself to the desktop the last thing I had time for was the blog! Glad you popped by - your presence is always welcome and as usual a witty one.

LBD - good I hope the books inspire you a bit to get moving a bit more.

aims said...

You are far more brave than I am - I would have been whining and crying at the doc's right after it happened!

So good to see you out and about again..

softinthehead said...

MOB see how pleased everyone is to hear from you again, Carolyn over at Laughing Alone in the Dark has come up with the Verbose
Storytellers Club for those "who like to spin" - I think we can safely say you fall into that category and I would love to encourage you to become a member. Pop over to Carolyn's blog and pick a logo.

softinthehead said...

LOL I just popped over and re-read my comment ( like ya do) and of course I meant "like to spin a yarn" - and I meant it in the "nicest possible way"! (Now whose catchphrase was that - I can't remember :) Welcome to the club

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Aims thanks for the welcome back it is much appreciated. The funny thing is that just about everyone in the casualty department had a broken toe - it is the most common injury from the young through to the old. It's a wonder ow I got through to 50 without braking one before - never again though I hope!

Softie - I love the logo. Thanks for suggesting it, I am chuffed as ever!

Carolyn said...

mob - Holy Moses on a Pogo Stick! That was quite the horrifying story. I'm so sorry about your toe and being treated like an arse by that dipsh!t woman on the phone. I hope you continue to heal quickly.

(Although I think I can one-up you on the injury and the wordiness... check this out: Ouch)

Thanks for joining the VS Club! You certainly earned your stripes on that one. Wordiness? Yes. Worth every word? Yes!

Feel free to ask other likeminded and longwinded friends to join too. No more apologizing for a good long yarn anymore. Verbose Storytellers Unite!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Carolyn - thanks for popping by! The verbose logo is a great idea and I am indeed honoured to participate as a founding member alongside such great and esteemed company! I read your story - Dear God you must have been in agony but I found myself laughing out loud at how you described it. Yer a great writer!

Carolyn said...

I'm not so sure "I win", but I had to laugh over you cringing at my face-meets-gravel accident, because I actually favoured my foot when I stood up after reading this post. I had to convince myself that it was your broken toe, not mine! Yer a great writer too. Maybe I need to design a mutual admiration club logo?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Carolyn - definitely doing a mutual admiration society logo would be a larf! We could call it the 'my head's bigger than your head' award!

I think you definitely won with the sheer dtailed description of your injuries. I would have needed morphine for at least a week after that!

Stinking Billy said...

I reckon the agony made you write even better than normal, but I won't be trying it. Nice to know you've got big boobs, though. ;-)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Bless you Billy. Largus boobus has been the bane of my life ad now I'm getting on they just hang like rats in socks!

Suzy said...

Yes, how I've learned "be careful what you ask for"...
OUCH!!!!
Sorry to say but I was laughing my ass off at "‘Jesssssuuuuussss Chriiiiiiiisssssst’ I wailed at the dogs as they ran off in abject fear for I am not usually a loud person that shouts out in agony." Sorry, I only laughed because I know exactly what you felt.

Your writing is such a gift. I LOVE IT!!

Love,
Suzy

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Suzy - glad you had a laugh! It was quite funny in an ironic sort of way!