Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Part 1 - The Catastrophic Effect - A retrospective account

1994............

Want to read Part 2?.......

“It’s almost that time of year”, I heard myself tell my sister who’d been prattling away on the phone about the mendacious neighbours she has living in the adjoining town house. The machinations of the Germans, normally so frustratingly obnoxious and a good subject of gossip, just wasn't important. It wasn't hitting the spot because I was distracted by something ultimately more upsetting that had been pervading my thoughts of late.

What was a rant in full flight was halted abruptly as she realised what I had said. A silence ensued in which she absorbed my words. “I know, I’ve been dreading it”, she responded, with a voice that had suddenly become small and almost lifeless. I immediately wished I hadn’t said anything; regretted dragging her back to a time when our lives and the dynamics in our relationship were changed forever.

“I can’t believe it’s been two years already; two of the longest and hardest years of my life”, I offered back as I instantly empathised with what she was feeling.

“Look, I’m not up for this right now, can’t face it today; why the hell have you brought this up now?,” she barked the question angrily at me. I let it slide because I knew her annoyance was a mask for the deep heartache and sadness that, like me, she carried with her every day.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly to give her time to calm down before carrying on. “You know why; it’s almost April, the start of it all and I just want to acknowledge it; maybe because bringing it out into the open now, means it won’t be so painful a journey when the moments start to fall into one another like a set of bloody dominoes cascading out of control”. It was something of a clumsy analogy but the best I could offer at the time.

I heard the deepest of sighs as she gathered herself momentarily before the click, click, click sound of her shoes making contact with the faux marble floors of her house let me know she was on the move. The sound of a boiling kettle told me she was making a hot drink, perhaps buying time to think about what she wanted to say to me for I had clearly caught her at a bad time, but then since it all happened, every time was a bad time.

I didn't say any more but listened and waited, not wanting to rush her lest I made her bolt back into her dark place, her refuge, where she seemed to lose herself so much.

“What’s the point?”, she asks rhetorically when she finally comes back at me. “What’s the point of it all”, she asks no one in particular; they’re dead, all of them, and nothing we can do will bring them back.

Hearing her words and feeling the depths of her despair which so clearly matched my own, we both broke down, giving in to a grief of such deep intensity that it threatened to destroy us both because quite simply, neither was brave enough to face it head on, at least not for now.

42 comments:

Manic Mother Of Five said...

Don't know what to say and have no idea where this is going. You're pain oozes through each word......

Be brave lovely lady. We are with you.

MMoF xx

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Wow you were quick with the comment. Thanks m'dear! This story is the prequel to the one that I was telling, took offline and is now being written into book form. This one will go through to the end so no premature deaths for it and no leaving anyone hanging.

softinthehead said...

Well that certainly put my morning in perspective. It sounds dreadful whatever it is, you have already touched me deeply by what you have written. As you can see not great in the sympathy stakes but I'm here nonetheless. Take a deep breath and go for it, hopefully it will help.

aims said...

You mean you're going to stay the course and tell it all? Hooray!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Softie - don't worry about the sympathy - it's long ago now. Just retelling the tale so not in any way distresed now.

softinthehead said...

Phew!! OK that means I can sit back with my box of kleenex - bring it on.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Aims - just telling up to the point where I started the other story. The rest is going in the book!

Dusty Spider said...

You're very brave to be writing this. Hope it helps you. Flick x

Tina said...

Oh MOB, I'm hooked already!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

There is always light, however far away it seems. Looks like you have support.

Blessings, Crystal xx

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

A breathtaking beginning to something I fear will be terrible. With you all the way. Love M xx

Carolyn said...

Glad I'm not the only one confused. I thought I'd missed some prime detail, but I guess I didn't. I must say it's a pretty sneaky way of getting me to read a post three times.

So this is one of those last-scene-first movies is it? Bring it on... we're waiting!

Sweet Irene said...

I don't know the cause of your grief, but I can understand the intensity of the feeling and I wish you a lot of strength as two years is not a lot of time to get over something very serious.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dusty - it was 14 years ago and life being what it is I came through it.

Tina - you are always such a supporter!

Crystal - There was absolutely no support at the time or at least we didn't know how we should go about getting any back 14 years ago.

A Mothers Place - thank you so much for such great feedback.

Carolyn - oops didn't mean to make you pay so much attenion to my post - it's hard enough getting time to read eveything once let alone three times isn't it?!

Sweet Irene - you are quite right. At the time of the story two years was nothing in terms of time to grieve. Hindsight and all that eh?

The Rotten Correspondent said...

Well, you certainly got my attention with that. You really do have an amazing way of getting really raw feelings across. That's a real gift.

The Lehners in France said...

I don't know what the event was that caused such grief, but 14 years on I am sure you still think about him, her or it. I know I do. I don't think time heals, it just helps you deal with it a bit better, and smile at your good memories, which no-one can take away. I need a tissue now! Well written MOB

Lane said...

I'm hooked already. The dynamics between you and your sister sound interesting.
Now don't go falling over any cleaning equipment and leave us hanging will you:-)

merry weather said...

You make us laugh and cry in equal measure MOB - I read your previous post about getting a break too.

I think you've the gift of living - if that doesn't sound too crazy! You're going to tell us something really important here, so I'll shut up until you've finished...

And thanks for your good humour at mine ;-)

Charlie Blockhead said...

Congratulations!!! You have been nominated for a 2007 Best Of Blog Award!! Especially designed to bring attention to lower profile bloggers, The BoB’s as we like to call them are currently taking nominations in over 20 different categories. To find out more about how your site has a chance to become one of this year’s Best Of’s and how to nominate other bloggers, visit us at www.thebestofblogs.com. Remember voting begins April 14th so make sure you pass the word to your friends, family, and faithful followers.

Sincerely,
Bill Beck
Project Mgr.
The Best Of Blog Awards
Email:Bloggerbeck@aol.com

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

TRC - what can I say to such fantastic feedback. As you know I think you are one of the wittiest and gifted writers so such praise from you is an honour!

TLIF - thanks again for such great comments. I am always astounded to get such good feedback from people who's blogs I rate highly. I think it has probably taken much of those 14 years to come to terms with things and hopefully that will become clear as to why when the story unfolds.

Lane - thought you were off celebrating a 16 yeer old's birthday! I promise dear lady to avoid all things domestic until I get the story done! I have become paranoid about putting the vacuum cleaner away after use now!

Merry Weather - a delight to have you pop by again. It's good to see you blogging again too. I think I probably have the gift of surviving first then living next! Really I am just glad to be around as there were times when I didn't think I would make it through deep grief but there you go eh, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Carolyn said...

I'm stunned that you liked that enormously longwinded piece of useless drivel, let alone to nominate me for some sort of crazy award. You need to get your head examined.

That's my way of saying thank you.

Of course, I hope you didn't do it because I lied about reading your post three times. I only read it once, but scanned it twice more for the missing detail.

I will say your comments came at the perfect time because I was just about to delete that biblical-length post out of sheer embarrassment for my melodramatic angst.

That said, what the heck award are you talking about? I searched the web and have no idea. Drop a url in my comments so I can go vote for myself okay?

Oh wait, maybe it's the same one you just got nominated for? Hmm. Maybe I'll just wait for a fancy message from Charlie Blockhead.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Carolyn - not only is your blog priceless but so are your comments! Yup Charlie Blockhead will send you a post soon enough so you can get on there and vote for yourself until you wear the click out on your mouse! If you can't wait until then, here's the url http://www.thebestofblogs.com/

Good luck

Casdok said...

Yes hindsight.
Gripping stuff.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

As the others have said, I don't know what happened, but it obviously was something that changed your life forever. that you can write about it must mean you have moved on from the experience and can now look back.

KAREN said...

Very well written - looking forward to reading more :o)

Mean Mom said...

Gripping stuff. I've tried to guess what's coming next, but I can't, so I'll have to come back. Hope you're not too long.

Is your toe OK, now, then?

Carolyn said...

Okay. I'm pretty sure you need to up your menopausal medication. I don't see my nomination anywhere. Are you yanking my chain?

How can I wear my mouse out voting for myself if you don't actually nominate me?

ps - I seconded your own nomination for funniest blog. You make me laugh too.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Casdoc - thanks hen as we say in Scotland!

Coffee - yup coped, came to terms and mostly moved on. Yeh get days...yeh know?

Karen - thank you. Coming from someone who has been published I am chuffed to get your comments.

Mean Mon - toe is in fine working order and tollerated a shoe on it yesterday for the first time in five weeks of walking doggies.

Carolyn - okay medication aside - don't forget I am an old bird who needcs to be treated with care and consideration due to my advancing years - I did nominate you in the best mommy blog category. I will pop back in there to see what is happening. I will nominate you again if there is no trace of you.

P.S the hubby nominated me on my laptop - while I dictated what to put in! Nothing like a bit of shameless self promotion is there?!

LittleBrownDog said...

Hi there, MoB - sounds as though you've been through a heck of a lot, and these things can only be faced in their own time. Looking forward to the book when it comes out - you're a fabulous writer.

Maddie Moon said...

Powerful and intriguing. I'd definitely want to read on.

Mopsa said...

Ooh, first I was really worried, then I read the comments. An ongoing tale with closure - heart rending and all. MOB - you are a literary crowd pleaser, and we don't have enough of them, that's for sure! And thank you so much for your lovely lovely words on my recent post - so cheering on a wet morning with lambs milk dribbling in my pockets cos the bottle got upended!

kellypea said...

Hmmm...I'm trying to figure out how I ended up here, and can't remember but I'm glad I found it. I have a story I've been needing to write for quite a while and your writing pushes me closer to doing it. I've been putting it off so that I don't have to live it again.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Littlebrowndog - ah if only it were a certainty that a book deal would happen. There are so many great writers out in the blogosphere that deserve to be published but never do. I would buy anything that you would write so I hope you are getting on with yours too.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Maddie Moon - with your writing ability and skills I take your comment with much pride. Thanks you so much.

Mopsa - again praise from someone of your writing abilities and tale telling skills is very humbling.

Kellypea - thanks for popping by. It is very difficult to write emotional stuff and put it out into the blogosphere.

I wrote the start of a story further back in my blog about something that happened to me some years ago. I wasn't prepared for the emotional fallout that came with the territory. There was some stuff that I hadn't completely dealt with and I was an emotional wreck for a week or so.

I am now glad that I wrote about it but I would advise caution when you start on yours and just to be sure that you have enough support if you are writing something deeply upsetting to yourself.

Good luck, I will look forward to reading it.

Willowtree said...

Damn! I thought I had it until the very end when you started talking about death and such.

But just to make sure I've got it, we're not talking about having to take a bath, right? Cause I've heard the can cause some serious anxiety in England.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Willow - it rains a lot here - we don't need to bathe. Just stepping out the front door means we get a wash evey time we do it.

We are a soggy drenched nation but a clean one me old mate!

JILLS said...

Bless you. Things we carry in our hearts - no matter how suppressed we keep them, or how invisible they may be to the outside world - still venture forth from time to time and rock us, making us feel just as wretched as they did at the beginning. There is not much we can do but get it out of our system and if we have someone to share that grief and mourning with, all the better. At least, in the next month or so, you and your sister will be able to look forward with more strength and you will undoubtedly become stronger women as the years go by.

Much love to you, and my prayers.

Jills

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Ah Jills - you soppy old thing! It's all over now and it is what it is!

KAREN said...

Ooh, just popped back to say I like your 'new look' Very upmarket m'dear :o)

Suzy said...

The description of your anguish and your sister's is palpable.

I may not know all the circumstances, but your writing and the dialog puts me right there.

I am hooked...

Love,

Suzy

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Karen - thank you so much - yes I had the decorators in to give the old blog a spring clean!

Susan - you are a prolific writer and to have you make such nice comments here is very humbling. I am totally engrossed in your story too.

Terry Whitaker said...

Like I needed another blog to get hooked on!!