Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Paper Anniversary

It was our fifth wedding anniversary on the 16th of October. It’s a paper gift kinda anniversary. I hadn’t seen any receipts from Aspreys or the like, no small packages secreted away in Himself’s usual hidey holes so I resigned myself to receiving a toilet roll as a keepsake. Useful I thought, you can never have enough bog roll. Even if you die, someone’s bound to nick it; it will never go to waste. I mean, how many times at work have you done a sprint to the loo in record times that only an Olympic medallist could dream of because you left the call of nature to the last minute and just as you are about to get down to the admin work you realise some light-fingered little toerag has made it away on their toes with the five rolls you saw in there earlier? There is nothing worse than the walk of shame as you shuffle off to another cubicle to remedy your acute distress followed by the need to torture the thieving little git with a shitty stick the next the time you catch them stuffing loo rolls in their oversized designer handbags that should have SWAG printed on the side. So all in all, you can never have too much bog roll I say.

As anniversaries go, it wasn’t all it should have been. Personally, I felt so ill that I should have been on a life support machine but Himself was determined we should go out and celebrate our wondrous union. I argued that being riddled with aches and pains, coughing up a storm and breaking a rib each time was probably going to take the edge off our romantic evening. Shivering like a washing machine on a fast cycle just added to my joy along with a runny nose that was barely contained by a truckload of tissues. I’d have been better off hooking a nosebag over my ears and just letting it run into that. Still, I’ll have the bog roll I thought and so, we reached a compromise and went to the pub up the road. I managed three small glasses of wine, purely medicinal of course, and enjoyed the look on the regulars’ faces as I told them it was swine flu. Hah, you’ve never seen so many backs rapidly disappear since the Great Plague of London. We almost got caught up in the slipstream of hasty exists.

And so it went with a whimper. “Never mind there’s always next year”, I consoled him as I headed off for a hot bath and back to my death bed, too ill to read Frankie Boyle’s autobiography that he’d thoughtfully chosen as my gift, as he knows I love his humour. So what, no bog roll then?

As a husband, Himself is wonderfully attentive and as these last two weeks have trawled by, he has enquired after my health to almost unheard of proportions, so much so, that I mooched off to check that my life assurance policy was still in the filing cabinet and not top-of-the-pile in his briefcase. I needn’t have worried, he still loves me and isn’t ready to dispose of my dismembered body parts quite yet. He was simply making sure I was in the rudest of health for a surprise two day trip to London; a city that I adore and lived in for ten years yet never did the tourist thing. He’s booked a fabulous 4* hotel behind Buckingham Palace, a theatre trip and worked out a wonderfully paced programme of top places to visit. What a catch eh? What a guy. What a totally adorable man.

And so we are off tomorrow morning to just be tourists. I am so excited I could dance, well almost. I can’t be arsed dancing really, never truly felt comfortable doing it. My blood runs cold when I see women dancing barefoot at wedding receptions. The sheer thought of some hefty eejit in stilettos piercing my foot makes me faint. So, as a nod to our wedding day where we didn’t have a ‘first dance’ here’s what himself and me would have looked like if we had. I’m the rotund one. Click here.


Teresa Ashby said...

Congrats on the wedding anniversary. Himself sounds wonderful - a proper treasure if ever there was one.

Hope you have a terrific time in London.

Love that video xx

The wife of bold said...

Hapy anniversary - hope you enjoy London, i've only ever been the once and loved it, im desperate to return. We stayed just behind the palace too it was called "Ruben's at the palace" and was a lovely hotel. I love the link by the way the doggy shuffle made me lol

auntiegwen said...

Many congratulations to himself and you, you know how your auntie loves the mush xxxx

ps can I borrow the Frankie Boyle when you've read it, I love him too, got tickets to see him in May

Maggie May said...

Congratulations on the wedding anniversary. Have a great time away.

That description of a stiletto heel going through a bare foot made me wince..... ouch!

Nuts in May

Kathy's Klothesline said...

What a wonderful man you have there! Enjoy your trip and Happy Anniversary!

DJan said...

Oooo! Lucky you! All the TP you could ask for in that 4* hotel. I laughed so hard at the video that I forgot I had put the teakettle on and wondered what that screaming going on was all about... then I remembered. He is very fortunate to have married someone who can keep him on his toes forEVER. Blessings and have a great time. It's always too long between your posts, only because they are so priceless!

Martin H. said...

Glad to see this post up and running. I picked up three false starts earlier. Another Google glitch?

Have a great stay in the capital and enjoy the tourist trail. Happy anniversary!

Sandi McBride said...

I've been trying to get in here all day!!! Finally! Just as I was about to pop off Blogger a nastygram, I tried once more and here I am, success at last. Good thing, too...because I was needing a good laugh and I can always BUT ALWAYS depend on you! And you're absolutely beautiful in your cartoon lushness on your wedding day (snort giggle). I should look so good! Ours was the 15th...lucky girls we are to have such sweet men for life time mates...if they know what's good for them!
So glad I got back in your place I'm dancing!!!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Teresa – aye he surely is a treasure. Wonderful man. That wee video was sent to me just before our wedding by a friend who knew I wouldn’t dance – it made me cry with laughter. I just love it as it sums up Himself and me so well.

TWOB – the hotel is on Buckingham Palace road – I used to drive past it on my way home each day. It is gorgeous and I am so looking forward to it. Hope you get back there too. Yup that doggie shuffle – trust me that is my husband!

Auntie – you will love the book. I was laughing out loud as I read it. That’s one book I’ll keep on my shelf as you can dive in again and again and still laugh.

Maggie – honestly how do those barefoot women do and not have multiple injuries eh?

Kathy – ta hen. Yup he is a gem, almost all of the time!

Djan – glad you had such a good laugh. Whoever designed that video has such a great wit and is so creative. Thanks for such a nice comment.

Martin – gosh you were quick to pick up my three failed attempts at publication! Blogger was not at fault – I was trying to embed the video instead of linking to it but Utube wouldn’t let me! Got there in the end though.

Absolutely Write said...

Total classic MOB post - you always make me laugh you do xxx

And p.s. Please don't think I'm contradicting you, but if someone made a bog roll tower 1,000 rolls wide and 2,000 rolls high and then pushed it over and it fell on you and killed you, THAT would be too much bog roll.

Lori E said...

I have always loved that video. Too cute. Why do we always get sick when there is something fun to do.
We learned to be tourists in our own towns through the years as family moved to B.C. from the other provinces. We sure missed a lot.

Jeni said...

Let me think a bit here about what I got for anniversary gifts from my ex over the 8 wonderful (a joke) years we were married? I do believe the only time I got a "present" for our anniversary was for our third and then, he got me a six-pack of Coors Beer! (It was actually quite a thrill though because at that time, Coors wasn't sold anywhere east of the Mississippi and I never did find out how he finagled getting that precious six pack to Penna! Oh well, I didn't fare that badly overall -I got the kids, ya know.
Now tell me, does your husband have a brother, uncle, father -good friend even -who thinks like he does and acts accordingly on those thoughts? If so, would he like to move to Pennsylvania?

Jennyta said...

What a lovely surprise. Enjoy your trip and I hope you will be in the best of health for it. :)

LittleBrownDog said...

Dear MOB - I am laughing so much I think I may be in need of some of your bog roll - here, chuck it over. Both your terrific writing and that fantastic rendition of Wim-a-way have really perked up what started off as a fairly miserable morning. Yes, have a fab time in London (will you be within mooning distance of PB? If you were, I'd be sorely tempted...). You are sheer magic. MWAH!

clairedulalune said...

Oh, you make me laugh out loud missus! So sorry to hear you were unwell, himself sounds amazing to have in your life! Frankie Boyle is the king of comedy at the moment with me and big fella!

Carol said...

I think I've got what you've just had....your post made me laugh so much I ended up coughing and spluttering all over the place!!

Happy Anniversary to you both...I'm glad Himself has planned such a wonderful trip for you both!! Have a fab time...I'm already looking forward to hearing all about it!!

C x

ethelmaepotter! said...

Oh, I love everything about this - the bog roll story, the pub trip, the video, and the adorable hubby! well worth waiting for!

Lorna F said...

Congratulations on the anniversary, MOB - but you're so wicked telling people in the pub you had swine flu! Must try that next time I'm stuck in a too-long supermarket queue. And I loved the vision of you with a runny nose and a bag hooked over your ears! :)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

A-Write – Ok, maybe you can have too many bog rolls but at least if you had an extreme bowel movement at the shock of being buried under so may bog rolls, you’d have plenty to mop up the resulting mess! Hah!

Lori-e I know what you mean. Living where we are now, we have seen Woburn safari park too many times to count as we took family around the sights! I was just too busy in London and travelling with the job that I had that I’d flake out and ‘get around to the tourist thing’ some other time.

Jeni – I cried with laughter at your present of a six pack! Some blokes are just priceless aren’t they? My how he must have swept you off your feet with such grand gestures! How could you bear to let him go? You must have been beyond yourself with grief.....or more likely laughter!

Jennyta – we’d been talking a lot lately about going to London so I knew it was on the cards. It was just that he’d gone off and did all the legwork before springing it on me. Priceless.

LBD – I certainly was within mooning distance of the palace – right behind it in fact. I didn’t waste any time having a look-see at the front as I drove past it so often when I lived there. I was tempted however to moon at the palace of Westminster when I walked past it in the hope Gordon Brown might be having a wee look out his windae!

Clairedulalune – Glad you had a wee chortle hen. Frankie Boyle’s book is a hoot to read. A great Christmas present for anyone who likes his comedy. It cheered me up no end when I got well enough to read it wrapped up in a big duvet in my hugely comfortable recliner – fab fun!

Carol – hope your screen wasn’t too drippy after coughing and spluttering away there! Still, if you had enough bog roll, I am sure you were able to give it a good wipe!

Ethelmaepotter – ah you are too kind dear girl! The hubby is a treasure, the best.

Lorna F – not just any old nosebag of course, it was designer donchaknow!

Lena said...

Oh, MOB! Belated 5th Anniversary wishes! What a fabulous bloke you do have - imagine what he'll try and do to top your 5th at your 6th....and so on! I daresay you've had a great time!

You are so true about bog roll! I bet it is the most pinched necessity in life (well, Scotland anyhow!).

That Lion Sleeps Tonight video is brilliant - the moves the dog makes! Popped it into my fave folder there!

bittersweetmess said...

Thanks for your kind thoughts MOB xx

Happy wedding anniversary!

Anonymous said...

Brill MOB ,know how u feel on the cahy front had this for 4 days and just cannot understand how I got it In desparation my husbands given me the lap top for an hour as I am so bored of bed
Our 5th Anniversary I had an envelope ,ok paper ,and an iou, he was waiting to get paid for some commissions and so had no money
The IOU said just that ,still waiting now its 11 years lol

Iota said...

Came over from Tattie W's blog, because I just had to tell you how much I loved reading your suggestion for an invention. With that in mind - and it had engendered a rather dreamy all-is-well-with-the-world mood - I clicked on the link, thinking I'd see a romantic, beautiful moment...

Thanks for making me laugh!

Mo said...

ha ha love the dancing. Hope you have a fabulous time here.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Lena – Bog roll is indeed the most stolen thing I’ve come across in my time. It’s almost the most brutal thing to do to people and the stuff is so cheap. Can’t fathom why people do it and these are usually people that say they never stole a thing in their life. I love that video too – it’s great for cheering me up on a dark wintry day.

VM – hope you are feeling better. It’s a bit rough this round of flu this time. God knows what swine flu really feels like. Glad to hear you still have that IOU – you can use it like a getting out of jail card when the need arises!

Iota – welcome and glad you had a laugh. Seems bog roll’s are worth their weight in gold judging by the amount that get nicked.

Mo – we had the best time ever. Hope you danced along.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary!! That is very happy news, he sounds like a wonderful man. A keeper. Although, toilet paper would be a wonderful gift around my house. It disappears like magic around here.

The trip to London sounds like heaven. I hope you both have a wonderful time. However, it seems whenever the two of you go off on an adventure, you always have a wonderful time.

I was sorry to hear you were sick. Having Swine Flu myself, I've been so bad even getting on the computer. It was hell, but I go to the doctor today, just to make sure it hasn't moved into my lungs and made a home there. I'm glad your feeling better.

I could have sworn that was me dancing in that video! We must be twins. Thanks for the laugh, as always.

Take care and let us know how London goes.

Claire said...

Happy Anniversary to you and Himself.

I came to your blog from a google search on Scottish dialect for my novel and laughed until tears streamed down my face. Not sure how this will help me figure out how to write scottish dialogue for a late 18th century bloke from Logiealmond but I can't wait until your next blog.

Thanks for the laugh!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Cheryl, you sound like you had a horrendous time with the swine flu. Luckily mine wasn't anywhere near that bad and the locals in the pub know my humour and that I was joking about having it. You are truly are inspirational how you keep going in the face of all the problems that you have to cope with. Good health sweetie. X

Claire - I haven't a clue what dialect they used in the 18th century although I feel I was probably around in that time! There is a fabulous Scottish author who leaves comments on my blog and she teaches English Lit at Oxford as part of the continuing education programme. She is Scottish and knows a great deal about the dialogue. Perhaps she can point you in the right direction because each area has its own unique dialogue. Her name is Lorna Ferguson and she can be contacted at http://literascribe.blogspot.com/ She might know something that can help you.

rickps said...

A belated happy anniversary and I hope you are feeling much better now. :)

i beati said...

like your dance - I guess the thought that counts the thought that he asked the thought that you went no matter how badly you felt - -says something !!

wee_63 said...

holy crap, please write a book so i can give it to my mom for christmas. either that or shes getting your blog printed off and stapled so it looks like a book.

Anonymous said...

I know it's ages since but I just wanted to wish you Happy Anniversary!

CJ xx

Lorna F said...

MOB, thanks for the lovely reference to me in your reply to Claire. Would you like a new job as my PR person, hen? :)

Lane said...

Congratulations on your 5th MOB and I hope you had a fabulous time in London (although a clue in the comments tells me you did:-)

bittersweetmess said...

Hi MOB, thank you for your usual kind words and yes it is such a relief to see my boy dealing better with his grief.

As for you question about who is taking care of me? No one, just me and my youngest. We take care of each other. I moved away when my son was killed and live up to 2 hours away from my family and friends.

I have however met a woman on the Island who has become a very good friend, she comes over once a week and spends a few hours here, we sit out the back, listening to the ocean and talking about anything and everything. It is a nice escape. One of my brothers also lives on the Island and we get together for coffee once every 2 week so.

I would love to have a guy to support me and I can't tell you how good it would be to get hugs...but I'm not sure I could deal with a relationship..anyhow..I am thinking of getting back out there in the world of relationships so maybe I will have someone to give me some TLC soon =)

Thank you again xx

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Rickps – aye much better now laddie, thanks!

Ibeati – it was rough at the time but we made up for it in London.

Wee_63 – ah the book is coming along fine so I’ll let you know if I get anywhere with it. Have had some interest which I am not going to jinx by talking about it though! Bless you for such a very nice comment.

Crystal – I know you have been very ill so thanks for popping by. Hope things are improving.

Lorna F – I will gladly keep up the PR for you! Your book is absolutely brilliant and one of the best that I have ever read. Good luck with those writing courses. I’ll be on one next year!

Lane – welcome back, great to see you are writing again! We had an amazing time.

Bittersweetmess – glad you came back to me. I think your last post showed great signs of positivity. It has been a hell of a journey for you and you have documented your pain, anguish, anger and sorrow so eloquently about your son’s hit and run death. Your new friendship seems to bring you love and comfort. Maybe from what you have written you are ready to start expanding that circle – men can be great friends too! All the best, may the road rise up to meet you.

Anonymous said...

What a lovely thing to do.