Friday, 27 February 2009

Legs Akimbo LIL - the PAP test Queen....

Look away now guys - the following content may gross you out as it contains medical information, a visit to the doctor - which we all know that anyone of the male gender does his utmost to avoid and would rather have his eyes poked out with a red hot poker - and graphic descriptions of a Menopausaloldbag in a compromising position; a vision guaranteed to make the population rip out their eyeballs in shock.

There was nothing untoward in my compromising position. It was a medical necessity, lying there ankles together, knees apart and trying not to meet the gaze of the nurse as she inserted the speculum - several inches of stainless steel that felt like it has just been extracted from the freezer - and shoved well up into places only my husband has seen of late; actually that's not entirely true, I think the nurse went where no man has gone before because I am sure I felt the swab tickle my tonsils.

Now, as any woman will tell you, a smear test is at best a mildly embarrassing event in her life, and for others it is excruciatingly so - it shouldn't be an excuse to forego it - remember the old campaign message a few years ago? 'Don't die of embarrassment ladies'. Even so, I certainly don't open the reminder letter from my local PCT and go "whoopee, time to show off the innards of the old wedding tackle to someone I've never met before". I mean there you are having intimate relations with a stranger, a someone who doesn't even have the decency to give you a kiss on the lips first before rooting around in places he/she really ought not to be. It's all very surreal you know. And with that in mind, for about 30 seconds I think about making an appointment, shudder, then surreptitiously file the reminder on a pile on my imaginary to-do-list. I've done that for the last four years. Stupid really, as I am scheduled for a test every 12 months as I had precancerous cells on the last result.

On that occasion, I won a little visit to my nearest hospital to have a loop diathermy done on the old cervix. Now what a wonderful event that is for a woman to enjoy. Two nurses chatting away to you about anything you care to jabber on about so as to distract you from the rather odd burning smell permeating the room as the doc zaps those precancerous little sucker cells with his mighty laser beam. To add another dimension to the procedure, there is a screen next to you, showing your cervix in the starring role for all in the room to see. Interesting, I've never been on telly before but one of the most intimate parts of me now has. But I don't suppose anyone would recognise me walking down the street though unless I was sans knickers and Legs Akimbo Lil-like in the gutter somewhere and before you ask it, nope, not managed to do that one yet. To be fair, the film of the procedure wasn't broadcast on any terrestrial T.V. stations so I guess my anonymity remains intact. My viewing public was restricted to a couple of nurses and a male doc wearing a hard hat just in case at my age any more of my body collapsed towards him, braining him in the process as he played a medical version of space invaders. My footage is probably doing the rounds as a horror movie somewhere out there in the ether, if you come across it, you can't see me smiling.

Do you know the silly thing about all of this? Up until they found pre-cancerous cells, I was a regular good girl and attended the clinic every three years for my test. The wait for the results was always a semi anxious time but I never lost sleep worrying about it. Now, when I should know better, and get straight down there, I'm much too reticent to make that appointment. Finding the pre-cancerous cells has had the opposite effect to how it should have turned out, i.e. making me ultra efficient in booking those appointments straight away. In my defence though, I've had such a bad time with the menopause and without going into grossly horrid details, until recently, was rarely in a position to have the test done, if one gets my drift.

Scary and embarrassing as it may be though, no experience can match the one that happened to a colleague of my cousin. Rushing home from a nightshift in a busy emergency housing association, she bathed, dried herself off but decided at the last minute, that for extra freshness, she'd spray some antiperspirant over the area in question. Realising she'd run out, a quick raid was performed on her teenage daughter's room to grab her aerosol can. Running terribly late, she pressed the trigger, squished the contents rapidly around her target area, pulled on her knickers and got dressed. Feeling mightily pleased with herself for arriving at the surgery with minutes to spare, she happily followed the nurse into her private office, undressed as instructed and within minutes had assumed the position. Minutes later, the doctor entered the room.

"Hello Mrs A, I'm Dr B", he said smiling at her as he snapped on his latex gloves. "Now just relax for me dear", he instructed as he picked up the speculum, ready to insert. "Oh for the love of God", he stuttered in astonishment, stepping backwards. He shot her a quizzical look before clearing his throat, raising his eyebrow and carrying on with the procedure.

Wondering what had caused such a reaction, Mrs A was a tad uneasy as to what the doctor might have seen. She decided not to ask and thought perhaps he was just a smidgen eccentric and possibly she'd ask the nurse after the doctor had gone. She didn't have to ask however, because when she rose to get dressed, pulling on her knickers, Mrs A was shocked to see the gusset full of glitter particles. Blushing profusely, she realised that in her rush to deodorize she had unwittingly decorated her pubic hairdo with a layer of glitter spray that her daughter used when she dressed up to go nightclubbing. Mortified with shame, Mrs A finished dressing and left the surgery at the speed of light, leaving all and sundry behind her in her wake. Clearly, she reasoned, the doctor thought she was either demented, or on the make for dolling up her nether regions especially for the examination.

Jokes aside though, a young celebrity mother, Jade Goody, is now terminally ill from widespread secondary cancers that eminated from a cervical cancer that went untreated. News reports say this is because she ignored repeated letters requesting her to return to the surgery for further tests and treatment. There but for the grace of God go many others for it is so easy to say manyana, manyana. She now has weeks to live. She has been the subject of much press coverage and whether it is morally right to cover every detail of her deterioration. Whatever the rights or wrongs of that situation, and you may have an opinion on it, she is dying and will be leaving behind two young sons. Her rationale for living out her death in the public eye is to secure as much money for her sons' future. Her childhood with an addict mother had been tragic by all accounts but she seems determined to be a loving mother and give her children the choices and education she was never granted; as a Big Brother contestant she was vilified by the press for a lack of education but now that she is dying she is a hero to them - oh hail the fickle press and public. I am not a fan of reality television shows or celebrity where people are famous for being famous, and Jade falls into this category. Tragically though, she has transcended that moniker and through her celebrity, done something truly magnificent. It seems God had much bigger plans for this young woman. The general consensus by those in the know, is that many more women are clamouring to their surgeries to have a smear test done. Opinion on the constant coverage of her death has polarised the population into two camps, those who support her, those who condemn her and leave some astonishingly cruel comments on the newspaper online message boards. I am pragmatic about both viewpoints. I believe in live and let live but perhaps now I believe in die and let die. What harm does it do to let her die and the story to be told in a manner of her chosing? I wouldn't want it for me, but I defend the right of a dying woman to have the choice. Perhaps it's a small price to pay for the good she is doing.

I am deeply moved by her plight and I admit, that it is instrumental in goading me into finally making that long overdue appointment. I, like many others, may just be very glad that we did and for that, Jade Goody's legacy is something much bigger, much more important and much more enduring than fifteen minutes of fame on a reality show. The nature of her death, how it came about and the message it conveys to women of all ages, backgrounds, creeds and cultures may just be a gift of life from an unfortunate young woman who's life ended prematurely and so publicly.

I don't want to watch her die anymore than I would want to watch anyone else die. I want privacy and dignity for her in her painful and heartbreaking journey. But it is her life and her death, and her decision. I have an off button if I don't care to rubberneck at her last moments on earth.

May the road rise up to meet you Jade Goody......and whilst I'm at it, my heartfelt thanks.


Cathy said...

I'm with you on the privacy issue but it's her choice.
I had loop ages ago. It was the weirdest smell and experience. I remember trying to think of funny things after they attached the grounding wire (for some reason this upset more than anything) and all I could think was is this what cannibals smell at a BBQ? I remember little else other than that and me driving home in pain with my foot on the gas full tilt. God knows how I didn't kill myself. Do men ever have to get anything burned off? Doesn't seem fair.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Another truly inspiring and wonderful post MOB!
I laughed my head off at the woman with the glittery fanny! haha
and it is so very sad about Jade Goody, nobody deserves this bastard illness that is Cancer and I think the media should leave her alone to die in dignity with her family... but then the press are not famous for being sympathetic to other people's needs.
Cancer has struck my family twice (my Mum and her Sister) and the word Cancer always sends a chill through my bones.
Well done for going to your appointment, these things should never be overlooked.
Big Hug Dear Friend X

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I once heard someone describe a speculum as a cross between a caulking gun and a shoehorn in answer to a man's query. Also remember another story of old. Remember S&H greenstamps? you would get them when purchasing at particular outlets, then save them in booklets until you had enough to redeem. They were like postage stamps of old--they ahd to be moistened to stick on the pages of a book. Seems one lady was at the doctor's office for her annual and went to the facilities to relieve herself before the exam. There was no tissue left on the roller, so she fished around in her purse for a kleenex. She didn't realize she also picked up some stamps with the tissue... She was in on the table, legs in stirrups when the doctor entered. One look and he exclaimed, "I thought I had seen everything, but I had never seen one that gave S&H greenstamps until now!". Thanks for the laugh, you brought me to tears!

Mean Mom said...

I am SO guilty of putting off my cervical smear. I had decided that I would see to it, just before the news broke about Jade, but then my father was taken into hospital, and I'm staying with my mother, so I have to wait a bit longer.

I didn't think that Jade behaved well in either of the Big Brother's she has been in, but I realise that she did not have a good start in life. She certainly didn't deserve to have her life cut short in such a way and I am very sad for her and her family.

This was a great post and I loved the bit about the glitter spray. I'm wondering whether to try it! I could do with a bit of glamour down there! What else could I try? How about a bit of lippy and mascara? LOL!

Maggie May said...

It was a very funny account MOB, though it is meant to be a serious reminder for all women to have this test done.
The things we women have to go through..... but then men do have their moments with examinations for prostate problems!
Thanks for the laugh MOB!
Sad about Jade though, and so young.

Kitt said...

Amen, MOB. And how funny to find an eerie parallel, though mine involved a slip on the doctor's part, a horrified gasp on the nurse's, and me standing straight up in the stirrups. No wonder we put these things off. But still, best not to.

And Kathy, "a speculum as a cross between a caulking gun and a shoehorn" is perfect.

ciara said...

i've read that jade continues to let herself be followed publicly because she has the two sons to make sure are cared for $$ wise.

i have had precancerous cells myself & was to go back to get cervix freezing done. i ended up changing that appt to a prenatal one. after i had my oldest daughter, it cleared up. but just knowing that i had that before, and the possibility of something like jane, i do get mine scheduled regularly. i just had a mammogram as well which came back clear by the way.

i love the post. i've seen what cancer can do myself w an uncle who passed at age 38 and my sil's mom, who, btw, after being treated for breast cancer a few years before, did not go bk for her checkups.

Mopsa said...

I was waiting, all eager anticipation, for the contents of that aerosol to be revealed... glitter was NOT what I'd imagined. Brilliant.
But, on a holier than her note, why would anyone spray gunk of any sort up their fanny?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Cathy – oh I think you described it much better than I did! Crikey I forgot about the grounding wire! And the cannibal and BBQ comment – yeeuuuk! It’s not easy being born with a vagina but hey, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Brit – God help the poor woman with the glittery pubic beard – surely it must have itched like mad?! When you think that the stats for cancer are something like 1 in 3 people will suffer from it, you’d think we’d take more care of ourselves. Jade goody is in for a horrid death and I hope to God they get her palliative care right. Dying at 27, heart scalding.

Kathy’s Kloseline – green shield stamps? Oh God yes, I remember them well. Books and book loads of them just to get a naff old ashtray or summat. What a story about the stamp being lodged in the lady’s woopsie! And a ‘cross between a caulking gun and a shoehorn’ – brilliant! Your comment had me creased up – it was funnier than this post. Thanks for dropping by, I’ll pop along to yours later.

Mean Mom – sorry to hear about your dad being in hospital. I hope it’s nothing serious and that he comes home soon. Re your comment about the delaying of your smear test, that’s life isn’t it? You had no choice but to cancel but it is making a new appointment that we often forget to do. Poor Jane Goody was a ticking time bomb and she didn’t know it. It is quite a horrific story really. I don’t watch Big Brother so I have never seen Jade in action. I never read many column inches about her either except for the headline grabbing ones you couldn’t avoid. Re the glitter spray – perhaps a makeover then? A heart shaped muff dyed purple to delight the doctor at your next test?!

Maggie May – I am glad that I went and got it over with. Just having to wait six weeks for the result vexes me slightly but that’s a minor point. Poor, poor Jade Goody and those wee boys of hers. Shocking death sentence for any woman, let alone one so young.

Kitt – brilliant picture you described there! It these tests weren’t so bloody serious I doubt many women would go back. Yesterday the speculum was uncomfortable to the point that I thought she’d stuck a blasted bull dog clip on the end of it and it had attached itself to the flippin cervix. I half expected her to pull out when she was done.

Ciara – yes you are right about her selling to the highest bidder to secure her sons’ future – I updated the post to reflect that. How desperately sad is this situation? It’s certainly not the most tasteful of exits but how on earth do we know how we would behave if it were us? She has courted the press; they have toyed with her like a cat with a mouse. It’s a marriage made in hell really but maybe this dying girl has been the cleverer of the two after all – she’s playing them at their own game and taking the kings shilling for her sons. I feel like a horrified bystander at a road accident who shouldn’t look but can’t help myself. It is too desperately sad. Like you, I had a mammogram last year – my first! That is another story given that I have larger than usual hooters!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Mopsa - I know, why would you spray anything there? Surely it would sting, irritate and swell? God knows what the doc would make of that! Come to think of it, those doc's must see some real doozies from time to time!

auntiegwen said...

Dear Lil, as an ex nurse who worked for a long time in gynaecology, I can assure you we have seen it all.

And as an ex gynae nurse, what reason have I got for being over 12 months late for my 3 yearly smear, yep, that's right, none

and judging by the comments here, I'm not the only one.

as aye xxx

aims said...

Haven't heard of this tragedy over here.

I'm thankful that the call to the doctor for testing is done in the office by the doctor. Not by letter. Because I too would probably put it off. I think every woman hates it.

Lane said...

Thank you for the reminder and great post.
A horrible test but a necessary evil. The thought of must make every woman shudder.

i beati said...

omg please do not remind me or maybe the laughter will help me Sandy

Eddie Bluelights said...

What a 'first post' for me to drop in to visit your blog. Well you did warn us menfolk at the start of it. Sorry I was naughtly and read it. It was so fabulously funny I just had to. Your account was so beautifully written that I was absolutely helpless with laughter and my wife from the next room actually asked me if I was alright - she thought I was about to 'depart to pastures new'. Forgive me for intruding into 'forbidden territory'. It could have been worse I suppose because at least I am an ambulance man. May I read your other posts?
Best wishes (still smiling). I am rather new at blogging and done about 8 posts so far, some sad and some funny.
Eddie Bluelights

Eddie Bluelights said...

What a 'first post' to drop in to see you. You did warn us menfolk at the start of your post but it was s so well written and so hilariously funny I just had to stay the course. Hope you didn't mind. I was laughing so loudly at one stage that my wife next door asked me if I alright because she was getting a bit concerned that I was about to 'pop my glogs'. I'd like to read your other posts if that is OK and to revisit from time to time.
It could have been worse I suppose because at least I am an ambulance man.
Of course the serious side of Jade's situation was entirely different, met with total sympathy.
I'm quite new to blogging, done about 8 so far, some sad and some funny (I hope).
Best wishes (still smiling)

Anonymous said...

Eee, mob, you had me smiling at this one! IT's so bloody embarrassing isn't it, I hate having smear tests done but needs must. I never ignore them I have to say but I don't half get nervous beforehand and always inbetween hearing the results.

CJ xx

Anonymous said...

Oh MOB what a great post,I have fished out my hidden letter and will ring tomorrow.I hate it with a vengence.Its that cheery voice sort of " at your cervix " can we help.
There must be a better way to do it,couldnt we do it our selves in private and take it in for testing.
jade,i am with you,I just do not want to intrude any more on a death.What have we come to brrrrrrr
I just hope she passes away gently and quietly.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Auntiegwen – It’s just life isn’t it? We hate the embarrassment of it and yet it is a life saving five minutes out of our lives. We spend humongous amounts of time over that period getting nails, hair, teeth etc done but not this vital test. I hope you are going to make that appointment! Go there drunk if you have to!

Aims – yup, we all hate it, no doubt about that. You might just hear about Jade Goody, seems Oprah is in line to interview her if she is well enough. It all seems very bizarre really.

Lane – ta hen!

I-beatie – thankfully the poor woman remains anonymous but she loves telling the story herself as she has a great raucous Glaswegian humour!

Eddie Bluelights – thank you for leaving such nice comments. You are more than welcome to read the blog, it’s not all menopause related! Thank God.

Crystal – embarrassing? Yup, big time. But get this, after I sat and chatted with the nurse for a few minutes, she pointed me towards the cubicle where the curtains were half drawn. I pulled the curtains all the way over to undress before bursting out laughing. As I said to the nurse, why in the name of God am I pulling the curtain over to protect my modesty as I undress when in 1 minute flat you will be looking into infinity and beyond anyway?! Seemed so very surreal!

Valley’s Mam – glad you have dug out that letter. I’m glad that I did. Just got to wait for the results now.....oooh err!

Anonymous said...

It is an uncomfortable test, but an even worse disease. I was always okay with the test, I think the fertility treatments made me numb to whatever it was the doctor was doing down there. However, my old gyn. retired and his young, very handsome son-in-law has taken his place. For some reason this has given me pause....a big pause. I keep changing my appointment with him, but I'm determined to keep the one scheduled.

Your post, as always, was brillant! It made me laugh..a lot.

My heart goes out to Jade Goody and her family.

Love to you!

blogthatmama said...

Mob, I'm crossing my legs uncomfortably at the memory. The nurse said to me at my last test, 'I have to say to some of my dry old ladies, think a happy thought! before I go in.' Sorry to be so vulgar...I feel very sorry for Jade Goody and wonder why people expect neglected children to grow up to be perfect citizens. Good luck to her. Blogthatmamax

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

MOB..your poignant comments about jade brought tears to my eyes!! thanks, so much more succinct than mine.

AND thanks for all the info...I will look at this...have l got this right, cos l'm trying to lose a stone and abit through sliming world...I shouldnt eat pasta and pasta right thats refined...l'm gonna have to really get my head round this if you think it'll help...barley magic food? wow..bit bland no?? more herbs methinks... i shall have to get my head around a potential 2 wk house move first! get the bp down and then see what pills l get!!

thanks so much for all the advice...l shall print it off..and get to the library etc...

many thanks, very much appreciated...

lo word verifictaion is POLYP!!!

david mcmahon said...

Thank goodness for medical technology.

Shirley Wells said...

What a great post. I love the glitter story. :o)

I'm not a fan of celebrity either, but I do feel for poor Jade and those two boys.

She's like the wind said...

You always describe everything so well, what a laugh although a serious side too. I'm not a fan of Jade Goody's, however I am so upset for her leaving behind 2 boys who will bearly remember her and that devastates me. The poor girl hasn't had much guidance in life, but she has exploited the media and made a fortune and what good has it done her, at least she has been able to leave it for the boys and she is bringing total awareness to all women of all ages. xx

Eddie Bluelights said...

Congratulations MOB on POTD. As you know I already thought the post was absoluely fabulous (still chuckling!) Eddie X

Eddie Bluelights said...

Let's try again! If you receive this twice please blame 'modern technology! not me.

Congratulations on POTD. As you know, I am a huge fan of this post and your blog. I am still chuckling! Eddie x

Debbie said...

Came over by way of David's Authorblog. No wonder he chose this post. You are an exquisite writer and this is great. I love the way you meshed the humor with the serious content.

Milla said...

excellent and am busy wincing at memory of own uber humiliating spate beneath the speculum just a month ago. So hate it, the plastic one not strong enough to reach my cervix, gee thanks, the thrill of the cold. Had precancerous cells about 20 years ago and, like you, dread the visits more and more.
Glitter pants - v funny.
Jade G - v sad.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Cheryl – oh I agree. It is uncomfortable and so flippin embarrassing too but it has to be done. And to add insult to injury if the doc doing it is a handsome bugger too then it is just too much! Luckily we have a female nurse who takes the dive in so it is less awkward.

Blogthatmama – oh dear God, the picture that comment sums up! Who’d want to be the nurse eh?!

FFF – I thought what you wrote about JG was very poignant too. Poor girl. Re the GI diet stuff I was telling you about, you can have pasta and Basmati rice on this diet as well as pulses, grains, seeds, Everything in fact except keep it low key with the refined carbs and keep it low fat and you should see a huge difference in your insulin levels dropping along with your BP lowering. It manages the menopause symptoms so well too. I am in awe of the plan as it has saved my life these lat four weeks – if only I had followed it before.

David Mc - ah thanks again for the POTD mention. You are too kind.

Shirley – thanks for the nice comment hen and congrats on that first novel publication.

She’s like the wind – ta hen. I know what you mean about JD but I guess this is the society that we live in now. Maybe she has played the press at their own game and she’s the winner in a way. Can’t see how the press comes out of all this stuff so well at all. She’s leaving a different legacy to the one she was panned for. Bless her.

Eddie Bluelights – bless you Eddie, I published both your comments as they were different!

Debbie – welcome and thank you for a much too generous comment! I’ll pop over and see you.

Milla – it’s never going to be anyone’s favourite activity and it really does take an iron will to go and get it done but if anything is more apparent with the JG story is that a lot of us sensible people get to be really stupid in not going. I wish you less discomfort in your next test!

Crazed Mom said...

I'm so glad you were checked out and "fixed". I've already lost several young blog and internet friends this year from ovarian and breast cancer. NO MORE CANCER deaths!


Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

What a fantastic blog you have going here. My Prince came to me from London and we still have one daughter there and one in Barry, Wales.
Pleased to meet you and I'll be back. If you have a moment or two of your life to waster, please visit me at my blog :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

LittleBrownDog said...

Goodness, Mob - you made me cross my legs and wince with that all-too-apt description (loved the idea of the doc playing a medical version of space invaders, though!) It's all so undignified, itsn't it? I bet if men had to have a similar test, there'd be no end of special equipment invented so it could all be done by some kind of miracle X-ray gadget that meant they didn't so much as need to remove their trousers.

Excellent post, as per.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Just popped round to see your really funny post again. The least I can do in return is to invite you to my place for a walk round a reservoir to see some sheep followed by a plate of piping hot fish and chips. Lovely! Eddie x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Crazed Mom – so sad to hear you have lost blogging friends to cancer. With 1 in 3 suffering cancer I guess it is much more common that we think it is.

Midlife menopause – thanks for such a nice comment. Ah so your Prince is British then – you couldn’t have chosen better!

Littlebrowndog – Well, I guess it isn’t pleasant for guys when they get the old testicle test from a doc, or even the prostate exam! Who’d their balls squeezed by another geezer or want a hand up their butt?!

Eddie, my thanks for a third visit! I’ll pop over to your when I get a break. Thx

Bella said...

ha! what a funny surreal post, thanks for the giggles!

so sad about the Goody girl, but like you said people make their choices don't they?

wonderful blog!

beth said...

Keeping current on the doctor visits is my least favorite thing I do, regularly.

Mignon said...

Glitter, that’s so funny...But I just had mine done with the boob squished exam also. Without the humor of it all, it would be unbearable.

Sandi McBride said...

My first pelvic exam and as I'm lying there with my eyes closed and legs open I happen to glance up and the sign reads "Smile...You're on Candid Camera"...I didn't know whether to scream or scram...someone's idea of breaking the ice? I'd like to have broken their head!
Great post...

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Bella – thanks and welcome. Some choices worse than others eh? There but for the grace of God.

Beth – you are much more sensible than me. I plan o be more regular now though.

Mignon – a sense of humour is essential simply because it is so embarrassing.

Sandi – oh crikey I would have screamed at seeing such a notice! Something like that could make you tighten your grip sp to speak and never get the speculum out without surgery!

Flowerpot said...

Great post MOB - I've just had my smear test done and while I can't say it was much fun - well it doesnt take long and it's over. As for Jade Goody - I quite agree....

S-Archetype said...

Great post, thank you MOB!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I've had precancerous cells lasered off my poor cervix too. Many, many years ago now. Not a pleasant experience at all, but 100 times better than being in Jade Goody's position. I had planned to return to work but had to go home instead. They don't tell you how painful it actually is.

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A Fitness Minute with Pat Anderson said...

I never thought menopause could be so funny! Kudos to helping so many women get through this!!
A fellow blogger,

Casdok said...

A super post as always! Jade will be a reminder to us all.

A Fitness Minute with Pat Anderson said...

I like your blog. I would love for you to write a guest post at my blog, A Fitness Minute. I tried to email you at, but it was returned as undeliverable. Is there another email address I can reach you at?
Pat Anderson

"Moaning Mum" said...

I just had my (3 year overdue) smear last week. It was not fun. I ABSOLUTELY insist on it being done by a woman as the thought of a man making small talk whilst invading my nether regions fills me with dread. I always feel so sorry for them having to carry out the test and so try and overcompensate by making all manner of inane small talk which neither she nor I are fooled by. Racing home with gel-soaked knickers is a small price to pay for getting the HELL out of there before dying of embarrassment...urgghhhhh....why am I such a prude? :)

sea-blue-sky & abstracts said...

Crying with laughter at that poor woman who chanced on the glitter spray, when I should be tucked up in bed - a first visit to your wonderful blog!

jdunn2005 said...

Having just returned from hospital after having loop diathermy this morning I couldn't help but relate to your blog. The "glitter" story really made me laugh don't know if I will be laughing once the anaesthetic wears off. For anyone worried about this procedure for the record I did not find it too bad and I am the biggest coward out. As for Jade Goody God bless her - what a brave girl. I lost my own mother when I was 14 to this disease so can sympathise with her children. Remember girls it is so true "don't die of embarrassment" a few moments of discomfort is nothing compared to your children's feeling of loss when you are not there to guide them through.Glad I found this article this morning it is very witty and added a bit of much needed Glaswegian humour (there is nothing better) to my day. Thank you, MOB

Lesley (Burnside,Glasgow)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Idunn2005 – hope you are feeling okay. Yes it isn’t the worst procedure to go through but it can have some discomfort after the anaesthetic wears off! You have my complete sympathy and understanding having gone through the procedure myself. But you are so right – no need to die of embarrassment as it is just a few minutes and then it is done. Sorry to hear about you losing your mum at 14 – that must have been hell. Hugs and take care. X