Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Pollyanna and God preserve us from her.

It’s been a bit longer than I expected in-between posts but I’ve been a bit busy but mostly my HRT stopped functioning properly and I’ve been exhausted, low and generally my-get-up-and go-got-up-and-went. I know I’ve mentioned a few times before that going through the menopause with severe symptoms is a drag but seriously just when you think you have all the checks and balances right along comes nature and whips the rug from under your feet. God knows what caused my latest fugue and fatigue ridden few weeks but I could have well done without them. I did make a change of diet to include a lot more vegetables and surely that’s a good thing? I’ve been a slave to the Atkins diet for a few years now and I know that it is the least healthy diet that I can follow but I got set in a kind of negative mind-set that anything else would just pile on the weight. Anyway, explanations aside, it’s been fantastic rediscovering aubergines, tomatoes, sugar snap peas, mange tout, butternut squash, turnip, pak choi, savoy cabbage, spinach and just about every other veg I can drag off the shelves at Waitrose. It’s been an absolute joy delving through my cookery books and looking at low GI versions of recipe’s that include such an array of wonderful comestibles that have sent my old taste buds into overdrive.

So, I’m going to continue and persevere and wait and see if my mood swings abate and my temper returns to normal but at least for the first time today I feel lighter of spirit and much more amenable to enjoying life. My poor husband has gone through the wringer yet again and God knows how he doesn’t just stick a knife in my neck and be done with it. The trouble is that I don’t recognise the signs that I am going into a bit of a mood meltdown until I am in the thick of it. It’s only when I am rigidly tense, tight, agitated, unreasonable, angry, combatitive with a chest as tight as a drum and a feeling that I am going to have a heart attack do I realise that something has gone very wrong with my diet and medication. It’s a strange combination of being wired to the moon and agitated beyond belief yet at the same time being too exhausted to care enough about functioning at any level above the most basic of requirements. I truly hate this physical condition and long for my body to return to a physical status quo where I am of constant sunny disposition, enjoy a rollicking good laugh, can be relied upon to be in a stable mood and most of all, just cracking on with life like all other ‘normal’ people.

I once had a ‘life coach’ stop by my blog – she had the cheek to spout some obnoxious shite that “all myself and others going through the menopause needed was to embrace and celebrate being a woman, to have a positive attitude, to lie back and wonder at the beauty of being a woman and let nature take its course whilst the sisterhood of positive women sang life enducing songs and quoted storming mantras” or some sugary coated old shite like that. Clearly Madame Life Coach had her head stuck up her arse because no matter how fecking positive myself and my other menopausal friends try to feel, the fact that we have a raging hormonal imbalance of fecking hefty proportions, no amount of fluffy, warm and fuzzy feely type crud makes a blind bit of difference when you feel like ripping a life coach’s head off. If I could have played keepy-uppy with her bonce for an hour or two, I would have done – that might have engendered a bit of warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart and thus as she advocated, allow me to coast effortlessly through life with butterfly wings flapping at my head whilst small birds tweeted “whistle while you work” away in my ears. Oh if only her wisdom had been available to me before. I could have imagined and day dreamed my way through the menopause and sported a benign and love inducing smile for all that happened upon me. Fecking eejit.

Given that I am a student of Psychology, fairly knowledgeable and practiced in the use of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I found the life coach’s diatribe on my blog somewhat annoying beyond belief. The last thing I need is some wee numpty who had stumbled onto Neuro Linguistic Programming, (NLP), feeling it is her duty to offer unsolicited “advice” to someone who may just be more qualified in the subject than she possibly is. NLP is a great psychological tool when used by a qualified practitioner but left in the hands of those with limited psychological knowledge and training it is quite simply a loaded gun.

You can always tell a new advocate of NLP – they attain a glazed eye look, behave as though they are on speed and get religion about all things NLP and can’t wait to bore for Britain about their new found belief system. It’s usually these new recruits that believe they have the answer to all of society’s ails and after gaining a certificate from the ‘Walter Mitty and Pollyanna internet school of life coaching skills’ sets up a business to start saving the world. The danger is some of the worst of these ‘Practioners’ offer their misguided services to some truly ill people that need professional help way beyond the limited skills of the Life Coach. Those Life Coach’s that stick to the realms of their remit and help people organise their days, change a negative thought to a positive one and generally bolster a client along can be more like a good friend to someone who just needs a friend to point out the obvious. But like all industries – I won’t call it a profession as you do not need a degree to be a life coach – it is badly regulated and those who overstep the mark and delude themselves that they are ‘psychologists’ are operating in dangerous territory. These are the people that offer unsolicited advice, make assumptions without understanding the whole picture and offer their own brand of advice that relate not a jot to the person they found it necessary to ‘help’. They can do a lot of damage if the client they are dealing with is particularly vulnerable and perhaps not in a robust mental state at that time.

I have come across some really superb positive people in my life and they are the truly inspiring ones. Terrific people that no matter what happens in life they wallow in private and smile in public. After all, it’s not what life throws at you that matters, it’s how you deal with it that counts. No amount of flipping twaddle from some hare-brained half trained monkey who bought a correspondence course off the net can touch the coat tails of the people that truly inspire others because they were born to it and didn’t pick up a few skills and a bit of terminology on the net.

And finally and thankfully, I found a fantastic web site called Menopause Matters run by Doctor Heather Curry who is an absolute genius on the subject. Being a member of that community has been a lifeline when you realise that there are many other women suffering the same if not even worse symptoms than you are. And it is acknowledged that it is a physical depletion of hormones that causes so much grief – not as Pollyanna would have you believe that you are just missing a fecking wee visit to someone who sees the glass as half full and not half empty and has you quoting life affirming tosh 'till your teeth fall out. This marvellous site and the women that provide support on it are commendable and the site gives a virtual punch in the mouth to the daft wee naysayers that think pretending to be a tree or something equally enlightening is the only way to get through life. The menopause is one of the biggest physical changes that can happen to your body - a positive state of mind is a symptom of good physical fitness and medication that works. An holistic approach is certainly the way to go about addressing all areas but get the physical bit sorted then the rest just follows.

Rant over – job done!

P.S. this post started out as the awards that I am going to hand out to those that supported and voted for me in the best of blogs awards as they are long overdue – next post I promise – this rant clearly needed an airing!


Lehners in France said...

OK so maybe I don't want the menopause just yet. As for butternut squash! MMMmmmm my favourite and I've got loads growing here in my garden. Let's hope I can enjoy them soon after all of my hard work. Bebs x
P.S. Nice to have you back even if it is a rant!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Yup a rant it is! But I hope a somewhat humorous one that also shines through the indignation that I was targeted by the Life Coach from hell! Can you imagine just how successful that little madam is in her job? The last thing you do when treating a client is to tell them it’s all in the mind – it might very well be but that can only be arrived at after gaining some detailed knowledge of the person you are dealing with and understanding the nature of their problem. Then the hard work begins.

I can see that the LC who commented on my blog – and it was a hell of a load of bullshit that went on for almost as long as one of my posts – probably tells amputees that it’s all in the mind and to just get over it! I’m all for positive thinking but her half arsed advice was unprofessional, unwarranted and simply ill educated.

I do love a good rant now and again! Anger, such a positive emotion if channelled properly!

Sy said...

You had a life coach?? Isnt is easier to just get a train?

Golly...am I ever glad that I am a man. A man who will make sure that when Mrs Sy has her time at this, I will wear the full body armour I am going to need in the next 5 weeks when she hits the fun of labour for the first time.

auntiegwen said...

Oh, I used to date a management consultant who was also a NLP practitioner and he drove a bmw

what a combination eh ?

Hope you get your groove back soon xxx

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Hey Sy - God forbid that I should ever need a Life Coach! Nope, this was one biddy that happened by my blog and left a rant of immense proportions! Think she was looking for some publicity but I didn't bother my arse responding to her. Went by her site - it was rubbish so quietly left and magically found the delete button on her comment on my blog and eradicated every trace of her!

Oh yes old boy - five weeks to go! How exciting for you both. Mrs Sy will probably feel that you have contributed to the birth by allowing her to sink her teeth into your arms whenever she has a contraction. You may of course be called one or two names at the appropriate time but you must vow to forget you heard any kind of expletives or profanity and promiuse never to ask Mrs Sy for intimate relations ever again until she says you can!

Good luck and just as the kids get up there, the menopause beckons! Hah!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Auntiegwen - hello my darling! Here's an equation:

Consultant + NLP + BMW = wanker! How could you date him?!

Lehners in France said...

Now I understand where I went wrong! I was always crap at equations, what does
BMW + GOLF = ?
Bebs x

aims said...

Darling MOB - you have my heartfelt sympathies as I sit here half-nekkid and shifting my burning boobs on to my desk for a bit of a cool down.

I've been hitting that menopausal stage now for over a year and I have to say Holy Crap! Who thought this was going to be a good thing for women to have to endure on top of everything else?

And holy crap! Did I type that last paragraph quickly!

I've resorted to the natural extra strength HRT - which seems to be 'sort of' doing the trick. I would like to up it to 2 a day - but it makes my ankles swell something fierce and then they hurt.

The one thing I have added which you might consider - no HLP here my friend - is fish oil. I take 2 a day. In capsules. It is supposed to help the brain and I think it has helped me. On the bad days I up it to whatever I damn well please and it helps. Honestly. 2 finger Injun promise!

Other than that - it was very sweet of you to nominate Stinking Billy on the BOB's. He is ranting to me he doesn't want to be nominated - but the old bugger has a way with words doesn't he? And he deserves more readers - he truly does!

You are so sweet for doing that. What a gal you are!

And Sy - if you're reading this - good luck in the upcoming event. And thanks for voting for me sweetie.

auntiegwen said...

I can't stop laughing at your maths !!!

Am too scared to tell you what current equation is

sod it, have a laugh

IT director + BMW =

you can supply the answer, what can I say, I'm an executive shag !

ciara said...

you rant away, honey. i hate those that think everything is just all rainbows and sunshine. even i have to grow through that sh!t w people. they don't know how i feel...they're not in the same place, but yet they feel the need to tell me things in regards to something they know nothing about. menopause, thyroid disease, it all sucks arse. i'm glad that you've got support of good people and you found a site where others KNOW how it is. it's a little more difficult for me, but i get through.

i think the LC better worry about her own life is she has rainbows and sunshine coming out of her ass, because she's in trouble.

Mopsa said...

I enjoyed that rant SO MUCH! I could feel the steam whizzing out of your ears and the eyeballs bulge at the memory.

Oh, and IT Director + BMW = may be outa work soon.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
Debs - BMW + golf + ? Need the third part of the equation to work that out fully. But I'd say that the first two parts of the equation show promise in that he could be a bit of a tosspot! Hope Bob doesn't drive a beamer!

AIMS - yup I agree about the fish oil and you know I have stopped taking it recently so perhaps that has contributed to my recent nutty state. I'll get back onto downing a handful a day - I just keep forgetting to take the medication. You have my sympathies from one who is going through it too.

Re the blog nomination for shy and retiring Stinking Billy - that was done a couple of months ago before the competition got into full swing. I let Billy know at the time but as he didn’t say anything I assumed he wanted to play it cool. Never mind, can always nominate him again next year!

Auntiegwen - hah! Looks like this time your equation works out well for you as IT Director + BMW + huge fecking salary = great gold digging opportunities! I cannot lie, I was an IT Director so as a fellow nerd I am all for you dating such a wonderful intelligent catch! You know the question –‘ what was it that first attracted you to the extremely well paid IT Director with massive earning potential?!’ Go for it girl -you deserve it.

Ciara - yup couldn't agree more with you. Not too much help re thyroid sites I guess so you have my total sympathy. Wish I knew more about it all except tiredness and weight gain are big symptoms. Still we can get by as grumpy old women and completely immerse ourselves in total moany misery if we want and lets lock up the LC's in a room together. They'd all go mad telling each other how to live their lives and suggesting ways they could smile like nutters for Britain!

Mopsa - Oh yes a rant with steam! I feel so much better for doing it now! I just can't be arsed with pretend Psychologists who go around telling people how to live their lives especially if they have the cheek to mug people at the same time of a large wad of cash. I sort of lump all LC's in with Medium's and other class acts like that!

Sy said...

Ooohh...that is OK then. I was getting worried about you for a minute. I did a post on my other site about people giving their opnions to people on stuff. It was quite nice to get it off of my chest. I then sent the link to the person who was the reason for the post. I think they got the hint!

Yup. 5 weeks to go. And then any surfing I do, and any posts are probably going to be toast! The one I did yesterday on the smurfs was a long time coming, and only happened due to insomnia! I think once she arrives, there is nothing going to happen on my site for a while! Actually, I am expecting to not post at all in August due to family being over!

Aims - I am indeed reading it! And thank you, and you are welcome!

Lehners in France said...

Durgh!!! You see I said I was crap at equations
BMW + Golf Club + Porsche = ?
Oh hang on I think I've got it...

BMW+Golf Club+Porsche=(Wednesday+Goldigger)xDivorce=Bebs and Bob in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G
Bebs x
P.S. I even used brackets!!!!

Breezy said...

MOBS you are at your best when ranting so feel free

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Sy - will have to pop over to read the other site you did. I've been remiss but as I feel fantastic today I'll be over full of energy and maybe have a rant there. Good on you for having a good old rant too!

Listen, it will be sooo hard to find time to blog when yer wee lassie comes but for all us soft big lassies - it would be great to hear of yours, Mrs Sy and yer wee girls progress. But we will all understand if you just don’t have the time to get on and post.

Debs – ok so:
BMW + Golf + Porche + microscopic sized penis * huge ego / crap personality = ‘fuckwit with shit for brains’

Debs – ‘fuckwit with shit for brains’ + ‘marvellous new intelligent and caring hubby Bob’ + better lifestyle * bigger manhood = magnificently happy!

‘Fuckwit with shit for brains’ + ‘Wednesday’ – ‘Debs’ = bigger fuckwit than ever!

Breezy – Thank you my dear – a good rant never did anyone any harm!

Lehners in France said...

Do you know MOB you must be super intelligent to have got the difference in penis size out of those equations. I am in awe!!! Bebs x

blogthatmama said...

I'm starting with the fish oil now, forewarned is forearmed

Milla said...

this was very interesting, I have a friend (single, slightly deranged, adore her) who is, as you say, almost born again about NLP to the point when I want to strangle her or at the very least change my phone number.

Suzy said...

"she had the cheek to spout some obnoxious shite that “all myself "and others going through the menopause needed was to embrace and celebrate being a woman, to have a positive attitude, to lie back and wonder at the beauty of being a woman and let nature take its course whilst the sisterhood of positive women sang life enducing songs and quoted storming mantras” or some sugary coated old shite like that."

The only thing I need to embrace is my medication and therapy.
Bullshit on the sunshine, lollipops and roses....

Rant on my friend...



Anonymous said...

Hope you can hear me aplauding you because I do. That was a bloody good post. I loathe "do-gooders" and these people are just that. I don't think medication always helps but someone spouting off about hugging trees and walking bare through the fields of green is absolute, utter, complete crap. I've been wondering whether I'm entering an early menopause with all the ups and downs I'm currently going through but I'm only 38 so maybe your Life Coach could help. NOT!

CJ xx

Maggie May said...

I felt REALLY tired throughout my fifties but now feel more alert & energetic in my sixties. I was on HRT for years, too.

belle said...

took me ages and ages to get my hrt sorted, but now I have I lurrrve it!

btw, you're tagged :)

GoneBackSouth said...

Top shelf rant, MOB, I hope you feel better for that. And most entertaining an' all. I'm not looking forward to that hormonal chaos thing - but thanks for warning me. Pregnancy probably gave me a little preview.

Patience_Crabstick said...

You are so funny!

Kitt said...

I love to offer advice, but only when I think it will do some good! You're clearly a hopeless case ;-)

Lane said...

Ooh I feel quite cleansed after reading that. I hope you did too!

There's nothing like a good rant to get it all out and you do it so well!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs – All women have to be good at maths when it comes to men – how many men do you know tell you that 4 inches is really six eh? No wonder women have trouble backing cars into parking spaces – we’re were taught by male driving instructors and you can bet we miscalculate by at least a couple of inches shorter than we thought we needed, given we use man measures! There’s probably a market for someone to make a man ruler – it comes with 6 inches to every female 4 inches ruler.

Blogthatmama – definitely used the fish oil ‘cause your joints start to seize up too with the MP. Memory loss is big too which is why I keep forgetting to take the meds! By the way, who are you again?

Milla - wait until you are menopausal then there won’t be an option between strangling your NLP obsessed friend and changing your phone number - you'll do both!

Suzy – too true, medication and therapy – using a properly qualified therapist of course and not some bargain bucket nutter who is probably more in need of therapy than the rest of us.

CJ – there is a thing called the early menopause so check out the site I’ve linked to – it is fabulously well informed. It’s rare but it wouldn’t hurt to look. Don’t use all your energy applauding the post, keep those hands in shape to wrap around the next do gooder’s throat.

Maggie May – at least there is light at the end of the tunnel then? Only ten years to go before I can get my arse out of bed without needing a rest after that effort.

Belle – Oh HRT is a god-send when it works – it has saved my life and my husbands! The trouble is it can stop working and you need a different medication. Too many women aren’t aware that can happen and struggle on wanting to kill their immediate relatives simply because they dare to breath.

Gonebacksouth – some women coast through it. You and your husband never know your luck – you both might get off scot-free. But just in case, tell your husband to enrol in self defence classes at least a year before you start the MP – he’ll need a black belt.

Patience crabstick – welcome and what a fab name. With a name like patience you will probably float through the menopause.

Kitt – ah dear lady, a good friend listens, empathises, agrees, nods the head in the right places, shares a bottle or two of wine, makes you laugh at the absurdity of life, promises you will get through this, hands out the tissues then leaves with the promise to call back tomorrow if needed. But...never presumes to give advice unless it is asked for!

Lane – I feel absolutely fantastic after the rant of all rants and I am indeed becoming fully practiced in the art of ranting. I may just represent Britain in the rant fest at the 2012 Olympics.

Dumdad said...

A very enjoyable rant to read although I'm sorry you're having a hard time of it. There are times (always) when I'm glad to be a man! Or do we men get womenopause?

Stinking Billy said...

Aw, mob, oet, you're getting soft. Why don't you tell us what you really think about 'life coaches'?

Swearing Mother said...

Vitamin B complex, a Clarins facial and a large G and T usually does the trick for me, but a bloody good rant clears the air a treat.

And that was one bloody good rant MOB.

Lovely to read you.

belle said...

psst! Having a competition and party over at mine for my blogoversary :)

WT said...

Actually, I only just recently discovered that vegetables can also be used as food.

Anonymous said...

I love and appreciate this post. After having menopause thrust on me, after a complete hystorectomy, I was not prepared for the sudden, intense symtoms. The hystosisters website was a great support to me. I am going to check out the site you mentioned too.

I am seeing my doctor on Tuesday and am asking him to adjust my HRT. SO many of the symptoms you talked about, I have been feeling too. The exhaustion is overwhelming. I am glad you are feeling better. Missed you.

I am in total agreement with your assesment of Life Coaching being dangerous for some. Without the degree and regulations you can really do damage.

Take care of yourself, my friend.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Dumdad - the symptoms of the womenpause are that men do a ‘man look’ for keys/wallets/ties/shoes etc and bitch like mad that they cannot find them. Women go look and find the missing item immediately. Other symptoms include leaving the toilet seat up - women put it down so that people can sit down for a Brad Pitt without sinking so far into the loo that their arse gets wet; leaving willy drip around the base of the toilet – women clean it up because in summer it tends to whiff a fair bit; never putting toilet roll in the toilet – women, wearing breathing apparatus, lob a whole pack through the door at you when you plead for a roll when you have been for a Brad Pitt and realise you either have to do the clench–buttocks extra tightly strangulated with trousers around your ankles shuffle to find some or just shout as loudly as you can until someone takes their life in their hands and brings you one; taking off socks, underwear and other garments and throwing them into the washing basket inside out - women turn all male items of clothing the right way out before you wear them lest the male of the family is mistaken for some bewildered down and out when seen out in public; letting out a silent but violent fart at the freezer counters in the supermarket and walking away – women – having chosen their purchase look up to find male has wandered away with the trolley and she has to sprint to catch up and offload the packs of frozen veggies she has been carrying around like a pack donkey, but not before she has died of shame walking through the fog of arse burp that you left there whilst other people look at her with disgust that she could dump such turgid hot stink around the freezer food section. The list goes on but this is turning into another post.

The difference between the menopause and the womenpause? One lasts for approximately ten years; one lasts until the male dies.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Stinking Billy - as you have rightly pointed out – I have been quite low key in my reporting of Life Coaches – let me come off the fence – they’re a waste of skin dear boy!

Swearing Mother – yes getting shit-faced can sometimes be a very useful tool in the fight against the menopause. However, as alcohol generally exacerbates the mood you are in rather than changing it, there are times when my husband’s life would be in danger; MOB + homicidal mood + buckets of alcohol x being really really pissed off at him for some perceived slight = multiple defence wounds on husbands hands as he wrestles mad wife to the floor before disarming her of very large kitchen knife.

Belle – Do you have competition prizes like HRT on offer? I’ll be straight over. My husband has asked if you are giving away strait-jackets at all?

WT – ah yes, vegetables are mostly the domain of the female. Women tend to spend a great deal of time trying to persuade the male to eat more vegetables with his brontosaurus sized steak only to regret the action as veggies assist male of the species to fart to order in public. Your wife did well to keep you off of them until now. She should visit www.breathingapparatusforwomenwho livewithfartyarsebuggers.com.

Eileen – if you find your doctor resistant to adjusting your HRT – simply take out a large kitchen knife from you handbag. You will find he is quick to reassess his opinion and prescribe just about anything you heart desires.

Casdok said...

Great rant! And an understandable one! I must remember the kitchen knife trick!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Yes dear Casdok - the press go on about knife crime being rife amongst young people but they have clearly missed a trick not evaluating all those menopausal women that secrete knives away in their designer handbags.

Lehners in France said...

If you can stop ranting long enough there's an award for you at my place. Bebs x

Sandi McBride said...

Oh my GOD...I just looked in the mirror to make certain I was still here...then I ran over to niece Kari to see if she had been kidnapped...I thought one of us had written this and come to find out there are more of us menopausal old bags out there than men know about...not a good thing for them I'm thinking...Deb Lehner made the introduction so you can blame her if I pop in and run my mouth to much...just loved this...

Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk said...

Ah yes, the wonder and beauty of being a woman. I often think that when I'm dealing with time of the month irritating to the point of biting someone's head off breasts. I think 'ah yes, but I am a wonderous and beautiful woman. Rise above the pain and irritation'. Doesn't work.

Highland Housewife said...

You are great at ranting. Your reply to Dumdad on womenopause has had me laughing out loud with tears running down my face. It is all true! So wittily put. At least the menopause hasn't robbed you of your humour.

Carolyn said...

Damn. I wish I could rant like you. That one took the cake. Bravo! Bravo! For my next rant I will be reading this one for inspiration. And who the hell needs a life coach anyway? I have a blog. And it comes with a bunch of amazing "life coaches" all at my finger tips for free!

Sorry about the menopausal hell. Should I send a fan and a big bag of ice?

Tina said...

Are you telling me that if I interfered in strangers' lives and said all sorts of rubbish to them, instead of doing this to my friends, that I could call myself a life coach? And charge money for it?

Boy, am I going to change my career!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Debs - I shall be straight over with my sticky mitts to pick up that award before scarpering back here to load it and claim my bragging rights. I will still be ranting of course. Thank you dear pal - you are a star.

Sandi - a warm welcome to a fellow hormonally challenged sister. Please feel free to come here and rant on at any time. All ranters are welcome. I enjoy a good rant and feel so much more at home in the company of fellow ranters. It is a brave or more likely a seriously misguided person that tries to tell a menopausal woman that the menopause is all in the mind so if you too have suffered at the hands of the life coach or others of a similar disposition then the sisterhood of the menopausaloldbags is here to help you battle such condescension. I have a fine collection of baseball bats that can be borrowed if you are unable to lay your hands on any to belt naysayers around the head with until they go away. I am of course speaking metaphorically as I never condone violence – I find the threat of it is enough to get caught up in the swell as the LC leaves your universe in a rapid departure.

Tara – welcome dear lady. Biting someone’s head off is never advisable. It can be messy and horrible, particularly if you are a vegetarian. May I suggest that at that time of the month you have someone lock you away for a few days or at least until the danger subsides? This way you are more than likely to avoid a spell in gaol where you would likely become the dancing partner of someone who has more hair on her body than a baboon.

Highland Wifey – welcome and I am pleased that you were able to find my rant humorous. Humour is indeed the defence against the dark arts of the menopause. I find that trying to see the humorous side when some numpty offers unwarranted, unsolicited and frankly utterly shite advice wrapped up as an opinion can often defuse a situation. Failing that, getting them in a headlock and putting your hand over their mouth until they agree to shut the feck up often achieves magnificent results.

Carolyn – for one so young you are incredibly wise. Yes my house is sucking the national grid dry of about half of its daily output. My fans have fans to keep them cool. My American style freezer which makes its own ice cubes is overworked to the point of exhaustion. Perhaps I can persuade you to send me a new one of those should mine break down?

Tina- yes you have got the skills requirement and training programme off to a t. You would however need to possess an arrogance of enormous proportions and a deluded self belief that you have superior knowledge to any other human being on the planet thus making you an expert on just about every topic known to man. Even when you know that the person you are preaching to is better qualified in the subject than you are you must stupidly hold your ground and bang on regardless. You must have a skin of incredibly thick proportions and the social skills and manners of a despot. Now that you are aware of the whole skills set – I believe that you know you are far too nice to ever, ever, ever be a Life Coach.

Mima said...

I have arrived here via the Debs at the Lehners in France, and I have to admit that I am truly impressed with your ranting skills, and would like to take some lessons, it must be a huge release! I have managed to get to point where I can blog about a worry, and let it go, but ranting skills like this have so far escaped me!

Although I am still a little young for the menopause, I have several people in my life who are currently undergoing the torture that you talk so well about, and I'm not sure how kindly they would take to that sort of attitude either!

I have to admit that I am a closet Pollyanna in my own life, I do try and find the positive - but just for me, not preaching for others!! And I can't imagine how much more difficult life would be without the regular visits from my counsellor, she keeps me sane!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Mima - welcome to the rantfest that is my blog. Being positive for yourself is an absolute must, how else would you get through life? Being positive for others in your life too is a must. I applaud sporting a positive attitude and am quite often a positive person myself. My gripe is the deluded nut job that is the life coach thinks that a positive mental attitude can overcome all ills. Broken leg? Don't fix it, imagine it better and hey presto there you go. But no matter, I hope that when your time comes you can approach life with a sunny disposition, a smile or two and the knowledge that all LC's will be outlawed and shipped to a rehabilitation farm somewhere in Siberia.

Maggie May said...

Me again....... thanks for your kind comments on my blog. have you tried Oil of Primrose? It is supposed to be similar to HRT.

Maggie May said...

Evening Primrose that should be!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Maggie May - thanks for the suggestion. I'd try Castrol GTX oil if I thought it would help. Holland and Baretts - here I come.

david mcmahon said...

Gotta love the job description of a ``life coach''!!

Femail doc said...

Apparently not immune to menopause in the UK either, but you certainly have a lot of fun in the networking. Not sure how I got here, but glad I came. Consider adding some of those memory lapses on menopausemoments.blogspot.com. I don't generally flog my blog in comments, but I'd truly enjoy your company.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

David – Nope – you can’t even love that about them – even the name is annoying. I find that people who pompously offer unsolicited advice are desperate attention seekers, frustrated 'experts' who have a burning desire to achieve something in life for themselves instead of living through others’ success - on that basis, you have to love them really - not.

Female Doc - welcome and I'd be glad to join you at your blog. Nothing like having a medical person on board - should help when dealing with those ill thought out comments that those Life Coach's may be tempted to leave. I find the level of medical knowledge, experience and understanding of the life coach generally reaches the heights of the St John's ambulance first aid course – how they cope with the end of course exams baffles me deeply. Having someone with a doctorate who specialises in the menopause tends to beat that hands down I think.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

EXCELLENT POST! And I so can empathize, being a fellow Menopause sufferer. When I was having up to 10 hot flushes a day and nightly sweats that left the sheets dripping wet, I took action and went on HRT. How alarming to find out it can stop working! As for the life coach, she must be one of those whose lives are so fucked up they decide to become a life coach to fuck up others. My dad, a psychologist with some 60 years experience, has become an NLP-er recently. He went through loads of training. He has never once suggested to me it could help with my menopause.

Flowerpot said...

good to meet yuo MOB from another Menopausal old Bag. Well, only just realised that;s what it is and today I am having the day from hell. You know, when all those tears are just welling up and - oh God, here we go. You can see how much work I'm getting done today. Hope you feel better after your rant!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Coffee - 10 sweats a night? You'd have been better off sleeping in the bath instead of a bed. God, I thought having murderous mood swings and losing several pints of blood for two weeks out of every four for two years was bad enough. Clearly the night sweats are an added feature I have managed to avoid. Think yourself lucky though, a lack of sleep coupled with murderous mood swings and you could have found yourself staying at Her Majesty’s Pleasure in Holloway for a spell or two. You have my sympathies but you do know that according to the Life Coach, you can throw those nasty little HRT tablets away and just float through it all in a serene manner by repeating the following mantra; “The menopause doesn’t exist, I am a malingerer, The menopause doesn’t exist, I’m a malingerer”. Let me know how you get on – just in case it doesn’t work, you don’t know where I live do you?

Flowerpot – the only thing you can do on a day like this is to unplug the phone, pour out a bucket of wine, have something nice to eat and watch weepy romcom’s ad other tear jerking productions. If you are going to insist on crying then you may as well go the whole hog and find a reason for it and just get on with it. Tomorrow will be better. Make plans for then.

KAREN said...

I never thought I'd say it, but I actually think I was lucky having everything gynaecological whipped out five years ago.

The hot flushes were horrid, but a small HRT patch helped with that. It's the hormonal ups and downs during the 'normal' menopause that make it so miserable, in my opinion. My hormones disappeared virtually overnight and there've been no mood-swings and such-like since.

In fact, looking back (not that I would advocate a total hysterectomy!) I've realised just how badly I WAS affected every month by fluctuating hormones and I don't miss them one little bit. Little blighters.

Bear Naked said...

Hi I just stumbled upon your blog and have now added you to my blog list.

Come over for a visit to my blog.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Karen - I would give my right arm to have the baby making kit surgically removed as I believe this may be the final whoop de doo on my way to normality. I expect my husband may even have a go before the doctor if I keep narking at him. We have quite a few large kitchen knives as I enjoy cooking but I suspect he'd rather use something equally horrid and noisy from his large collection of tools. I empathise wholeheartedly with your past mood highs and lows - God likes a good joke now and then doesn't he/she? Clearly having about a kilo of organs removed from your uterus area has been the answer to your prayers. Right now, I could happily live alone on a desert island as people are just annoying the shit out of me. Failing that, I could take the one's that annoy me the most and just torment them until my menopause abates in ten years or so. Perhaps I need to chase the doc up instead.

Bear Naked – is it you or your bears that are menopausal? Welcome anyway and yes I’ll pop over for a visit. Will the teddy bears be having a picnic and am I invited? I quite like lots of nosh, especially if it is free.

Wendy said...

Loved, loved, loved, this down-to-earth post!!! I once knew a young 21-year-old lady who told me (via internet) that she was taking a Life Coaching Course!!! At 21???? How much about life does she really know?? LOL. Wisely (yes we do learn wisdom in our Crone years) I held my tongue.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. We have judy (femail doc) as a menopause buddy in common.

Retiredandcrazy said...

When I was going through the menopause several years ago I cooked a pork dinner. We all sat down, enjoyed and ate. It wasn't until I was washing-up that I discovered that the pork was still under the grill! Everyone had been too scared of me to ask where the pork was in this pork dinner! I was evil! I'm not saying that you are like that though, please don't take offence! No really, you are fine!

Anonymous said...

Starflower oil - brilliant best ever
good night and day cream - in Aldi's around 1.78 better than those that costs squillions. Tested and proven.
Exercise - never thought I would ever do it, Joined Curves, all women , no mirrors, women from 18-80 Half an hour x 3 a week. Ive shaped up nicely and gained so much energy.
And I get compliments about how young I ma looking these days
Oh a good shagg helps too

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Wendy - welcome. 21 and training to be a life coach you say? She must have been planning to coach the toddler through to ten year old age range. I can just see the training programme: Step 1 – ‘how to turn that negative thought into a positive thought when mummy and daddy don’t cave into your demands and give you that expensive toy you were after’. Step 2 – ‘How not to pooh you pants in the supermarket and especially not next to the meat counter – learn to ask mummy where the toilets are’. Step 3 – Mummy and daddy not falling for your manipulative little blackmail scams? The let me teach you how to call Childline from the cell phone you screwed out of them last week. Good for you for holding your tongue – you clearly weren’t suffering a serious sense of humour failure on that day.

Retiredandcrazy – I know only too well the situation where you cook a whole lunch only to forgetfully leave half of it in the cooker. The upside is that food tends to last longer around here and it’s always a nice surprise to find some food already cooked when you are too tired to be arsed cooking. Were you perhaps holding a rather large knife at the time when you were eating lunch? If you were this could explain their fear in asking you about where the hell the rest of their lunch was. Better to say nowt, eat whatever paltry offerings make it to the plate and then skive off out for a MacDonald’s when the coast is clear. Moi evil you say? Evil isn’t the word for it dear lady...Mwahahahahahahah.......

Valleysmam – Would it be okay if I bought the starflower oil from Waitrose instead of Aldi’s? You see, such is the social grandstanding of the folks in this village, if I was to be spotted crossing the threshold of Aldi’s I would be ostracised, literally sent to Coventry for my sins. I am not adverse to bagging a bargain or two when circumstances present themselves but as I have lent my Aldi shopping disguise to my neighbour, (she wanted to go to Woolworths), my purchase shall have to wait. As for exercise, when I am at my irrational worst, I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions and running towards disasters – just ask those who live with me. As for a good shag - gosh you have made me blush dear lady.

Photobonnie said...

From one extreme to the next. I enjoyed your essay very much. I also wanted to thank you for your visit to my blog and kind words on my writing. It's a piece of fiction I've been toying with.

thanks again.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog! I've bookmarked yours, I'll be back! I am a MOB, too!

DogLover said...

As a mere man, may I say how sorry I am for your present state. It only goes to prove my theory that men get off with the best in this life, women carry all the burdens.

But the exhaustion thing, could it be a consequence of low carbohydrate intake? Carbos produce energy and, while eating vegs and fruit gives you a lot of good things, it doesn't give much in the way of energy.

But what do I know?

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Photobonnie - welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed my post - I wish I had. I'd much rather be having a chat about how fantastically free I feel having reached the menopause but alas, until I find the elixir of life, I will be a moaning old witch.

Carrie Wilson Link – welcome fellow MOB. It is indeed a comfort to know that I am not the last in the species and on the verge of extinction although having said that I am quite sure that my husband was hoping that this would be the case. PMOB’s, (Pre-Menstrual Old Bags), are thriving in ever greater numbers but a research has shown that due to an ever greater number of PMOB’s being elevated to managerial positions that a great deal more men are being fired on a monthly basis, only to be reinstated a short few days later. MOB’s on the other hand are simply consistently dangerous creatures that shouldn’t in all reality be let out of the house at any time.

Doglover – welcome. All doglover’s are more than welcome here, especially one’s that seem to be so empathetic to an old bag’s plight in life. I do believe that you may be spot on about the carbohydrate = energy ratio. The trouble is that I am indeed allergic to refined carbs such as flour, white bread, pasta, baked spuds etc and therefore they have a detrimental effect on my already battered and beaten old body. So therein lies my dilemma – stuff my face with carbs that leaves me wheezing like a dirty old mac flasher outside a girls school, or avoid then like the plague and just be a permanently wiped out grumbly old fecker.

Marianne said...

Hi Bag, I love your blog! Am enjoying, will read more. x Marianne

Suzanne said...

Hi honey! How did you find me. I'm so grateful. I've endured almost 40 years of periods, all painful, and Endometreosis, only to end in Peri Menopause. How is that possible!!!??? I'm not even in full blown menopause yet! This is the wackiet life ever. But you made me feel okay, until I spoke with my mother and she informed me menopause took 8 years for her. I couldn't stop laughing because all I wanted to do was cry.

I will be here often and I expect your support and you will receive mine. I'm grateful for this. Thank you for finding me. Seriously. Thank you.

Much love,
Suze XO

Suzanne said...

Hey, so many of your fans are making fun of BMW's. I drove one for years, and enjoyed the hell out of it until I got into a horrible accident on the freeway about a month ago. Now I drive a Mercedes. It's so nice to see I fit right in!!!

Oh this is going to be perfect, I can tell. Hey, I need to reduce my stress level too. So all of you...knock it off! I'm not even supposed to be blogging (doctor's orders), cut me some slack.


Suzanne said...

Oh, and I do belive wackiest, is spelled wackiest. Go figure.

Suzanne said...

Oh, and I do believe, believe is spelled believe.

Lehners in France said...

I've got that Little Faberge looky likey award at mine if you want!
Suzanne sounds nice, you must let her know it's the men who drive the BMW's that we are taking a swipe at. Bebs x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Marianne – welcome dear lady and I am glad that you loved the blog. Now if I can just get you to love me too..........In a non lesbian type of way of course.

Suzanne – welcome dear peri-Monopausaloldbagger in waiting, (you may just be the natural successor to the crown). Jeeze, I thought I had it bad but m’dear you win hands down in the ‘Shite I wish to God I hadn’t been born a fecking woman’ stakes. All that and peri-menopausal to boot? I am but a mere trainee, an also-ran, compared to the misery that you must have suffered. And yes, your mother is correct – a decade of sheer bloody misery faces most of us unless we learn to drink our way through the fug instead. As a member of the menopausaloldbag sisterhood, you will automatically be bestowed with support, love and affection and a place to come and swear yer noggin off in those times of frustration or sadness. To be in a constant state of laughing and/or crying at the same time is fully understood here, empathy is the name of the game.

As for the BMW slating part of the sisterhood – as Debs has rightly asked me to point out, BMW + Man + Massive Ego + infidelity + small penis + empty wallet due to new golddigger girlfriend = TWAT. This equation does not translate to a female driving a BMW or a Mercedes. Please note that I drive an E200 Merc and do not need that or a BMW to enhance my mammary glands or trick pelvis and ergo my pulling power. So just to reiterate Man + small penis + BMW = fanny magnet. Man + small penis – BMW = loooooser.

Sorry to hear that you had a car accident, hope you are in fine fettle. Don’t worry about typos or spelling mistakes – these are common in menopausal people who can hardly remember their name and address let alone spelling.

Debs – just say the word award and even if it isn’t for me I’ll attempt to nab it where I can.

Lehners in France said...

MOB, this bi lingual mallarky is difficult, I should know. I hope Suzanne knows that we use the word Fanny for our front bum, and not our bottom, like the Americans do!
I do like your equations you are truly gifted in the mathematics department me thinks. Bebs x

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Bebs - of course I forgot about that being a back to front word and there's me having worked for an American company and been on assignments in the States!

Suzanne please insert the words 'old rat' where I have used the term fanny.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Loved reading your post! and it reminded me of when my Mum and My Aunt were going through the first stages of their menopause together.
And that life-coach!!!! My God couldn't you just kick her in the throat?!! she wasn't American by any chance was she?! Oh my God, now I am being xenophobic! I'm not really... I'm just "twat-phobic" haha!
Big Hugs!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Brit - hello dear wonderful man. The Life Coach was of indiscriminate life form and was probably a passenger in an alien spacecraft that crashed to earth - hence the lack of knowledge on how real humans act and behave. So your mother and her aunt were going through the menopause at the same time? Dear God man, no wonder you moved to Brazil. The menopause squared? Exponential growth of murderous mood swings and danger to all within knife slashing distance.

Mean Mom said...

It's not that I like to hear about your suffering, but it's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one! I've had dreadful mood swings over the past few months, but, crazy as it seems, it wasn't so bad feeling suicidal, when I knew that, maybe in an hour's time, I would be feeling on top of the world! At least I had something to look forward to!

Now I've reached the emotional phase. A slightly strange glance from anyone will make me sob and I'm going to a funeral on Friday. Reach for those sandbags and those dinghies, then! Is there time to build an ark?

I bought fish oil capsules and Menopace tablets some months ago, but they don't seem to have worked. I wonder if they would work better, if I opened the box and took some?

The Life Coach? Have you noticed that everything is your own fault, nowadays? I love that. You obviously do, too.

Stimulating post! So many comments to read! I need another lie down, now. It's been at least an hour since the last one.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Mean mom - misery loves company eh? On the other hand, empathy creates bonds and understanding. Don't worry about the funeral - you are expected to cry at funerals so take along a couple of hundred weight of tissues and just go for it. I'd be more concerned if you said you thought you might laugh your way through it.

I agree with you, ingesting your menopace and fish oil tablets goes a long way towards helping managing your mood swins. - otherwise you just have two more objects in your house to dust. Go on, open, swallow and then go for a lie down.

Suzysoo said...

Hi Mob,

Thanks for reading my blog and leaving 'emotional support'.

I love your blog. Latest post is best laugh I've had all week! Rant away!

You may be fed up with suggestions for remedies but incase your not-try soya milk instead of ordinary milk. I suggested it to my best mates mum when she began to feel menopausal cos I read somewhere that it was good for this, and now she swears by it. Worth a try?

All the best

Suzysoo xx

Mid-lifer said...

GGGOOOD GRIEF!!!!!! 83 comments?? MOB you've certainly touched on something here.

Life coaches? PAH! I know when I went through my midlife meltdown - which I thought might be early menopause or even peri-menopause (unbelievably it exists) - no amount of flannel from a positive thinking guru could have got ME out of my mood. I needed to rant, I needed to have a meltdown of incandescent rage - that was the whole point. I'd been so good at bloomin positive thinking that I hadn't let myself get angry and it built up and built up and KABOOMSKI!!

If your hormones are making you feel enraged noooo amount of touchy feely we are all women crud is going to get you feeling good!

Lovin the post MOB - and thanks for your injection of sane advice on mine.


Mid-lifer said...

P.s. I'm intrigued what the deleted comments said.....

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Suszysoo - welcome. I understand that many millions of Chinese women snarf down bucketloads of soya and never suffer the indignity of a hot flush or indeed a murderous temper tantrum. I shall look to include Soya and ask my husband if he notices any diference.

Mid-lifer - that title almost sounds like you are doing time - did your mood swings during your mid life meltdown make you do something illegal? Did her majesty ask to to stay at her pleasure? I am intrigued that you thought I gave you sane advice on your post - I mostly work at an insane level. Welcome fellow sufferer - there's safety in numbers.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh by the way, the deleted comment was just one of mine as blogger posted the same comment twice so I just deleted it. Nothing juicy or inflammatory from an aggrieved Life Coach.

Jules said...

Okay, I know I'm coming onto this a bit (uh...... hugely) late, but I've been off on holidays. And you are up to 87!!! comments. Well 88 now.

Loved the rant. In fact you are the Rant Queen in my book. The concealed knife-carrying Ranting Queen! Who is good at math. Sheesh! Who could ask for more?

You can sit by me, with your concealed weapons and giant fan, any day.

And on that note..... have you ever tried something called Meno-Ease? It's a bunch of herbs in a nifty pill that has knocked my hot flashesand mood swings out the window. I love them! I used to get them- the hot flashes not the pills- every 15 minutes or so..... all day and night. But the minute I took these babies.... poof!...... no more Me-The-Furnace..... unless I stop/forget to take them that is. Then the results are scary.

All right. Stepping off my soap box now.

Carry on.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Jules - better late than never but I did have a boss who used to say ‘better never than late’ when I handed him my monthly report long after he demanded it – he was a bit of a tit so I enjoyed pushing his hot buttons. He was a dreadful old bully who made our lives a misery and eventually suffered from a big but non fatal heart attack that forced him into early retirement. I like to think that I had something to do with that. However, I digress.

Luckily I do not suffer from the hot flushes, (or Flashes as Americans call them), but I am truly grateful for your kind suggestion. I have now loaded myself up with fish oil, starflower oil, evening primrose oil, every soy product that I can get my hands on, black cohash, red clover, my double dose HRT and of course I shall promptly nip out and purchase your suggestion too. I am of course now so busy taking tablets and oils that I have no time whatsoever to do anything else of use with my life. So even when my mood improves, no one will notice as all you can see is my arse hanging out of a cupboard as I search for my next fix from the plethora of magical potions within it.

Stinking Billy said...

MOB, as writers go, nobody is more honest or interesting than you. I only have one wee gripe, why did you move your abbreviated nom-de-plume from small case to caps? I liked wee mob so much. ;-(

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Ah SB - perhaps it is because I am so small that I needed a large nom-de-plume so that people would notice me. I could think of no one better to be first on my list for a night out so you can bank on that, along with so many others that I have come to know of late. Thank you for your generous comments from someone I admire so very much.